could you please rate my essay for ibt test?

[Golnazghaf88]

subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child’s basic education.agree or disagree.

I agree with subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child’s basic education. The child can find his interest by learning these things early. The younger the child is, the faster he can learn. Help they mind stays sharp as they get older.
Everybody needs to find his interest whether it’s art or music. Teaching children these subjects can help them finding what they would like to learn or would choose for their jobs in future. I myself find music as my passion when I was in kindergarden where we were taught playing with instruments and traditional music was played during our launch hours.
The children’s mind is fresh and can learn more things. Children are eager to learn new things and what can be better than teaching them art, music or drama which can make them happy and they can enjoy all their life doing it?
Art, music, and drama help children’s mind stays sharp as they get older. I’ve read an article last week which said a research showed that people who knew how to play guitar were less in danger of getting the disease which people forget things.
In conclusion, learning art, music, and drama is beneficial for a child; it can help him find his passion or future job, it can help his mind staying sharp. Children are willing to learn new things especially ones which they enjoy doing.

thanks

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of American History

[Shahinrasoulian]

hi dude. you should change the subject of your post fom "pease rate my ..." to the min topic of your writing. like other students. otherwise, no one will rectify your writting. i addition i suggest that you read some writing at first, understand the dtructure and then start to write. good luck.

[Golnazghaf88]

tnx:)