Please review this essay (on money spending)

[Universpace]

You have recieved a gift of money. They money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

On being given the option to but either jewelry or tickets to a concert , my immediate reaction would be the latter. In fact I would have no second thoughts about it. The reason why I would prefer to go to the concert are numerous .To list a few of them , firstly as a music lover I have always dreamt to go to a concert , and furthermore ,since this one is going to be performed in my locality it is like being served on a golden platter.

It is not my mere love for music which makes me go in for this option. I believe that it is intelligent in doing the right things at the right time. As a consequence , it would only be crazy to buy the jewelry in this particular situation ,given that the concert is scheduled to occur shortly. To be frank , the jewelry can be bought any time and hence it can wait , while the concert is like an opportunity which knocks only once. Jewelry are mere pieces of artifact which infact have NO value. I am quite sure that no one can probably explain why gold is valued so much as it is.

In summary, since the music is aesthetically pleasing and has a calming effect ,I would impulsively act in its favour. One would claim that jewelry also possess equivalent qualities , but then it can not be truly enjoyed or cherished by most of us. Jewelry indicate socio-economic status and improve our appearance , which I don't think is very necessary in today's community. We are taught not to judge a book by its cover , why then should I or anyone for that matter opt for the jewelry ?

[Alan]

Hi universpace,

I have made some changes in CAPITAL letters:

You have recieved a gift of money. They money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

On being given the option to but (BUY) either jewelry or tickets to a concert, my immediate reaction would be the latter. In fact I would have no second thoughts about it. The reasonS why I would prefer to go to the concert are numerous. To list a few of them, firstly as a music lover I have always dreamt to go (OF GOING) to a concert, and furthermore ,since this one is going to be performed in my locality it is like being served on a golden platter.

It is not my mere love for music which makes me go in (GO FOR) for this option. I believe that it is intelligent in doing (TO DO) the right things at the right time. As a consequence, it would only be crazy to buy the jewelry in this particular situation, given that the concert is scheduled to occur (TAKE PLACE) shortly. To be frank, the jewelry can be bought any time and hence it can wait, while the concert is like an opportunity which knocks only once. Jewelry are (CONSISTS OF) mere pieces of artifact which in fact (TWO WORDS) have NO value. I am quite sure that no one can probably explain why gold is valued so much as it is.

In summary, since the music is aesthetically pleasing and has a calming effect, I would impulsively act in its favour(FAVOUR THAT CHOICE). One would claim that jewelry also possess(ES) equivalent qualities, but then it can not(CANNOT) be truly enjoyed or cherished by most of us. Jewelry indicateS socio-economic status and improveS our appearance, which I don't think is very necessary in today's community. We are taught not to judge a book by its cover, why then should I or anyone for that matter opt for the jewelry?

This is a good piece of writing spoillt by some elementary mistakes - and you must make sure that subject and verb agree in number as for example: jewelry (singular) indicateS (singular).

Alan
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