 #1 (permalink) Tue Dec 28, 2010 20:54 pm The Winter Break |
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That's just some random story I made up for another student's assignment (very 'helpful', I know). I decided to post it here to get some feedback regarding grammar, punctuation, semantics, etc. Also, if anyone finds this helpful in any way, great!
That winter break will remain an unforgettable experience for me.
I lived in the big city where it’s hard to find any signs of nature. It’s mostly buildings, cars and grey streets with an occasional tree here and there. You can therefore say I’m a city boy.
So with snow came the holidays. My family and I packed up and drove off to the country where my grandparents lived. Now, the journey wasn’t the thrill you’d expect it to be. Although mom insisted on taking only the most necessary, we had to stuff five huge sacks in the trunk and two more were put on the back-seat, which was quite a challenge for our old family car. To top things off, my little brother, who was four years my junior, wouldn’t stop blowing this whistle he’d found earlier in the attic. Somehow, though, this didn’t seem to bother our parents since “it’s in the Christmas spirit,” they’d say.
The three-hour-drive finally came to an end as my father turned the engine off in the drive-way. Grandma was pacing anxiously near the porch because it took us so much time to get there, she later explained. Upon seeing us, she started waving joyously and hurried to open the front door. It was a hearty welcome indeed.
Later that day we had a home-made dinner by the fireplace. My grandpa, who wasn’t there to greet us when we arrived as he’d had some errands to run, wouldn’t stop remarking on how much we’d grown.
The very next morning, being the kids we are, my brother and I left the house without notifying anyone. We just wanted to go out and play in the snow. We’d discovered this big mound the last time we were here, which was some five years ago. So we decided to go see if it was still there. Half an hour passed and we were still trying to make our way to the hill, but there was no sign of it. This was really peculiar because I was sure of its location. Soon, however, I came to the realization that even a child’s vivid memory can fade. We were lost.
Dusk was slowly laying its veil around us and my little brother started sobbing. At this moment I knew I had to man up since I was the older one. I also knew they were looking for us. Who wouldn’t?
Darkness wasn’t the only problem. It was growing colder with every passing minute and we had to find shelter. We were searching tirelessly for some wind-free place and our fatigued and food-deprived bodies were going to succumb to the severe weather soon. And then, out of nowhere it seemed, I laid my eyes on a small cave. I gave my brother a hard shake so that his eyes went wide open: “Look!” I could feel the happiness that sprang within him. I could feel it, too. We went in, almost crawling our way to the inner-most side of the cave. I knew that white death might befall us if we closed our eyes even for a minute, so we tried our best to stay awake.
A few minutes later, still shivering, we made out a strange noise. It sounded like something was crumbling down. Seconds later a shrilling crack broke the silence and the something that had cracked hit the ceiling of the cave. It must have been a tree. Our pale faces turned dead-white when a huge mass of snow collapsed and blocked the entrance.
Perhaps an hour later, maybe two, we slowly began to give in. Exhaustion was so real that I could almost see food and water before me. My bones hurt from all the walking and my lips were dry. I wanted to say something to Peter, but neither I nor he could make a sound. His blank countenance was staring at one point, probably struggling against sleep.
At this very moment, a spark of hope lit the gloom. There were voices outside! I extended my arm as if I were trying to reach them. I made a futile attempt to shout but a pathetic squeak came out instead. My brother couldn’t even open his mouth; his teeth were chattering. He only tried to reach up to my arm with his clasped fist but was too weak.
Two days later a member of the rescue party found two dead bodies in a cave. One of them was clenching a tiny whistle…
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 SkiIucK
I'm here quite often ;-)
Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 850
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