Income of international entertainers

[Orchid255]

Happy New Year to every one!I come from Viet Nam and actually our real Tet hasn't come.^^
Here is my first essay in this forum.
International entertainers, including sports pernalities, often paid millions of dollars in one year.In your view, with widespred poverty in the world, are these huge earnings justified

It is the truth that the salary of international entertainers have increased dizzyingly in recent years ,about millions of dollars anually whereas thousands of people in Sudan, Africa are stavaring.In my view, while poverty in the world are widespread because of disease, crisis, global warming, these huge earnings are unjustified.
First of all, massive income of super stars ,to some extent, is inappropriate.As far as I am concerned, one of the factors that should affect the amount of earnings of a person is how much they have contributed to society.Therefore ,it is unreasonable that a famous singer enables to earn from an evening concert more than the salary a doctor is received in a month who has found a new drug, or simply who has saved many lives.In fact, the salary of famous entertainers is now too high in comparison with that of a teacher, a doctor, a worker etc who also directly make much contribution to society.As a result,the more enhanced the differentiation between the rich and the poor is, the more low condition the poor have to live in.
Secondly, some stars are using their money unreasonably.In reality,there are some internaional stars waste too much their money on luxury parties, expensive resorts, exculsive pastime whereas the amount of money they contribute to society to improve quaility of life for the poor, to decrease the change of climate, etc is very small.Moreover, owing too much money may make people diffcult control themselves from bad habits.
To sum up, it is obvious that poverty in the world with a series of others problems are serious and yet these problems can be eased if the goverments and companies gave more thought to paying salaries more equally and appropriately and if they contribute more money for those who are in need

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor on the possibility of life on Mars

[Kitosdad]

I am really hoping to see an improvement in the work of you all this New Year. You still have a limit of two essays a day, but if you feel you need to write only one per day to show an improvement, so much the better. The vast majority have it within them to write really good essays about their topics. Take your time. Think what you want to say. Think about how you intend to say it, then review it in your mind once more before beginning to write.
Scores will be more stringently applied this year. Poor work will be scored as low as six.
If you get nine, which is going to be really difficult, make sure you write even better in your next essay. Your goal is TEN, always strive for it. It is achievable, and all of you have the ability to achieve it.
Remember what I have said repeatedly ... reading is your way forward.

If anyone submits a second essay without awaiting the edit of the first, then both essays will be ignored. All corrections will be done so that you can easily find them by reviewing the edit. You don't have to rewrite your work, just make sure that you don't repeat the same mistake again.
If you still have not mastered punctuation, then spend an hour or so in doing so. It isn't brain surgery ... just do it!
Topic titles should be checked for correctness. Posts without topic titles will also be ignored.
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Kitosdad]

[Orchid255]

Thank you so much for your help.I will be really greatful if you can give me more details about my mistakes.I mean, about my punctuation because I haven't realized my problem in punctuation.And one more thing, Could you tell me why I get 6.5?Because I want to know the problem is about my ideas, the way I arrange them.. or about grammer and structure.

[Kitosdad]

Sure, your punctuation, even in this short post is terrible. You scored 6.5 because 6 is the very lowest score. Don't worry, 7 is not that much better than that. You are aiming to score 10, even nine is difficult to attain. It means you have to work really hard to gain high marks. Have fun!
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Orchid255]

Dear Kitosdad,

Thank you very much for your tips.
I rewrote my essay and hope that it is better than my old one. Please help me check.

Income of superstars,including international sports personalities has cause a major controversy among the public.In fact, international entertainers often get paid million dollars annually whereas many people in Africa are starving.In that regard, I do not think that anyone should earn such huge salaries while the poverty is still spreading worldwide.
First of all, income of a person, fairly to say, depends on how much they have contributed to society.Therefore, it may not be justified that a famous singer is able to earn from an evening concert more than the salary of, for instance,a doctor who has developed a new drug for a common diseases and saved many lives but receives too little to survive.It is undeniable that the position of a sport star in society, but it in no way should exceed the value of a successful medicine.
Secondly,owning too much money is not always a good thing.In reality,there are some famous stars who waste too much of their money on luxury parties, holiday in expensive resorts and exclusive pastimes while caring too little about serious problems of the world.Some even take drug and get caught.Everything has two sides and possessing too much may leads people to mistaken behaviours and habits.
To sum up, it is abvious that poverty in the world with a series of others problems are serious.However, these problems can be eased if the goverments and companies gave more thought to paying salaries more appropriately, and if they contribute more money for those in need.

[Kitosdad]

Dear Kitosdad,

Thank you very much for your tips.
I rewrote my essay and hope that it is better than my old one. Please help me check.

Income of superstars, including international sports personalities has CREATED a major controversy among the public. In fact, international entertainers often get paid millionS dollars annually, whereas many people in Africa are starving. In that regard, I do not think that anyone should earn such A huge salarY while the poverty is still spreading worldwide WIDESPREAD IN THE WORLD.
First of all, THE income of a person, fairly to say, depends on how much they have contributed to society. Therefore, it may not be justified that a famous singer is able to earn from an evening concert more than the salary of, for instance, a doctor who has developed a new drug for a common diseases, and saved many lives but EARNS too little to survive. It is undeniable that the position of a sport star in society IS ENVIABLE , but it in no way should exceed the value of a successful medicine.

Secondly, EARNing too much money is not always a good thing. In reality there are some famous stars who waste too much of their money on luxurIOUS parties, holiday in expensive resorts and ENJOY exclusive pastimes while caring too little about THE serious problems of the world. Some even take drugS and get caught. Everything has two sides and possessing too much may lead people to mistaken UNLAWFUL behaviours and habits.
To sum up, it is Obvious that poverty in the world, ALONG with a series of others problems, is serious.However, these problems can be eased if the goverNments and companies gave more thought to paying salaries more appropriately, and if they contribute more money TO those in need.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
This is an improvement Orchid. Pay close attention to your punctuation.

Kitos. 7.5/10
_________________
Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.

[Orchid255]

Hi!
I have rewritten my essay again.Please help me check it.

Income of superstars, including international sports personalities has created a major controversy among the public.In fact, they often get paid millions dollars every year whereas many people in the world have to live in poor conditions.In that regard, I do not think that such a huge salary of international stars is justified.
In the first place, various other people are also contributing so much to society.Doctors spend at least their 10 years studying and practising,their works save lives.Teachers educated and insipred students to help them become responsible and good citizens.They have no claim to fame.However, many of them even do not receive enough to survive and raise their family.The position of a star in society is undeniable but it in no way should exceed its of others.
Secondly,some international entertainers spend their money unreasonably while many children are living in low quality.In reality there are some famous stars are wasting too much on luxurious parties,enjoy exculsive pastimes.They even take drugs and get caught.In the meantime,many children have to live in slum dog and have not enough money to go to school.They must deserve enjoying a better life.
To sum up, it is obvious that poverty in the world, along with a series of other problems, is serious.However, they will be solved partly when money is contributed appropriately and fairly.