Please rate my essay

[Farzadbeheshti]

Dear Sr./Madam

I am going to have new TOEFL exam in near future, and I beg you to rate my sample essay. If there is any weakness, it will be great help to have your suggestions to improve myself.

Regards,
I wish you the very best in new year.
Farzad

Topic: Children should not have to work or help with household tasks, their only responsibility should be to study. DO you agree or disagree

Working hard is the only way to make prosperity and achieve your goals in the life. Clearly, encouraging the children to do some of the tasks at home increases their sense of responsibility to do their other jobs as well including their study. It is not believed that the only responsibility of children is studying. Children should not be forced to study hard. They should be encouraged to do their tasks at home. Working at home increases the sense of independence, confidence, and sociability.

First of all, accepting some responsibility at home inspires the sense of independence in children. It proves to children that they are capable to perform the task without the assist of their parents. For example, asking the children to organize their room gives the children the feeling that they are themselves who are responsible to prepare a suitable environment in their room and it gives the children the sense of independence and creativity. Obviously, asking the children to concentrate only on their study can not cultivate the power of their independence and thus mentality and creativity. As a result Working but not studying leads the children to more success in their life and also in their study by incresing their ability of independence.

Furthermore, children who share in the household tasks have shown more self-confidence in their interaction with others. For instance, Children who help their mother to clean the rooms under the supervision and encouragement of their parents learn how to do their job as best and this experience increases their reliability and confidence. Undoubtedly, only studying can not work as a incentive for children to work well and increase their trustability. Hence, Cooperative children at homes have the opportunity to prove themselves to be dependable not only in their duties but also in their study.

At last, responsible children demonstrate themselves as sociable persons who are capable to communicate to others easier in comparison with others in similar age. As an illustration, demanding the children to accompany you in buying and providing some of the daily necessities of home, helps the children to practice to communicate with people outside the home in groceries, and other shops. Surely, no one can experience getting along with people in books and by studying. So, working of children in home has another benefit to test the power of their communication with others.

In conclusion, I want to emphasize that there are criteria in the life which are demanded to make victories, none of them can be achieved by studying hard but by working. Children can develop their points of view in the life by accepting some of the duties and obligation in the home. They can attain higher degree of independence, confidence, and sociability by working in home.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is Carlos Finlay significant?

[Kitosdad]

I am really hoping to see an improvement in the work of you all this New Year. You still have a limit of two essays a day, but if you feel you need to write only one per day to show an improvement, so much the better. The vast majority have it within them to write really good essays about their topics. Take your time. Think what you want to say. Think about how you intend to say it, then review it in your mind once more before beginning to write.
Scores will be more stringently applied this year. Poor work will be scored as low as six.
If you get nine, which is going to be really difficult, make sure you write even better in your next essay. Your goal is TEN, always strive for it. It is achievable, and all of you have the ability to achieve it.
Remember what I have said repeatedly ... reading is your way forward.

If anyone submits a second essay without awaiting the edit of the first, then both essays will be ignored. All corrections will be done so that you can easily find them by reviewing the edit. You don't have to rewrite your work, just make sure that you don't repeat the same mistake again.
If you still have not mastered punctuation, then spend an hour or so in doing so. It isn't brain surgery ... just do it!
Topic titles should be checked for correctness. Posts without topic titles will also be ignored.
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Keep it simple ... Keep it interesting.