Hey~~I need your help~Thx a lot!

[Flamen]

Um...I've just begun to prepare for GRE AW test, and here is my virgin essay.
If you have 10 minutes now, could you please do me a favor by reading it and finding some flaws from it ,no matter about logical problems or grammar problems.

I really need your help~Thx a lot~~!

9, The following appeared in a memorandum from a dean at Omega University.
"Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by thirty percent. Potential employers apparently believe the grades at Omega are inflated; this would explain why Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors.

In this memo, the author, a dean at Omega University, recommends that Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors to enable its graduates to secure better jobs. To support it, the author points out that the augmenting on students' grades is due to the evaluation system and potential employers believe the grades at Omega are inflated. The argument contains several critical flaws, however, which reveal that none of them lend credible support to this memo.

First of all, the argument depends on the unsubstantiated assumption that the new procedure of evaluation leads to the increasing scores of Omega University’s students. Furthermore, the dean asserts that it results from the higher grades assessed by professors. However, no evidence could prove its validity merely via the dean’s statement. There are several reasons such as amelioration of education methods, lifting standards on enrollment, or educational system renovation on other facets, which explain firmly why students’ grades have ascended by leaps and bounds. The dean should not associate surging grades with estimation to professors curtly, solely because they come to existence in common period.

Secondly, another blemish that weakens the argument is that the dean cites comparison between Omega University and nearby Alpha University, in order to justify that the depreciation on grades contributes to the failure on job-hunting of graduates at Omega. Nevertheless, with a myriad of factors influencing, specific performances about Omega and Alpha graduates are not offered, so that we cannot parallel them presumptuously. Even assuming graduates from Omega are lower-performanced, no indication demonstrates that it springs from the discontent of future employers on graduates’ grades. Other scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine it. For instance, insufficient career guiding, imprudent strategies or poor management, or maybe graduates from Omega are more likely to study further to obtain PhD rather than work.

Thirdly, granted that all assumptions above-mentioned are tenable, this argument is still unwarranted, for the measure to abolish student evaluation of professors immediately. With no reference to positive effect of the assessment system, we cannot jump to the conclusion that this implement has served no useful purpose for Omega University. Perhaps it inspires morale of professor and intrigues enthusiasm of students. Additionally, feasibility and negative effects of annulling the evaluation promptly should take into consideration, too. To insure its graduates to ensure better jobs, Omega University can expand other ways to reinforce the consciousness of self-improvement of its graduates in the manner of opening relative courses to achieve it.

In conclusion, this memo is unpersuasive as it stands. To better appraise it, we need more explicit figures and foregone effects about the step of assessment, the intrinsic link between the new procedure of evaluation and the boosting scores of Omega University’s students, and minutia of local job-hunting circumstance.

[Maxinehqr]

your argument is really great ~ I have read a sample of the argument that you wrote above, you are in the same structure! also, your sentences are beautiful and fluent. good job ! I have just began my writing practice , I hope I can have a big progress and one day can reach your level~

[Maxinehqr]

here is the thing, I also have an article to correct, if you have time, could you please spare some time and help me check my issue? thanks a lot!

[Maxinehqr]

First of all, the argument depends on the unsubstantiated assumption that the new procedure of evaluation leads to the increasing scores of Omega University’s students. Furthermore, the dean asserts that it results from the higher grades assessed by professors. However, no evidence could prove its validity merely via the dean’s statement. There are several reasons such as amelioration of education methods, lifting standards on enrollment, or educational system renovation on other facets, which explain firmly why students’ grades have ascended by leaps and bounds. The dean should not associate surging grades with estimation to professors curtly, solely because they come to existence in common period.

Secondly, another blemish that weakens the argument is that the dean cites comparison between Omega University and nearby Alpha University, in order to justify that the depreciation on grades contributes to the failure on job-hunting of graduates at Omega. Nevertheless, with a myriad of factors influencing, specific performances about Omega and Alpha graduates are not offered, so that we cannot parallel them presumptuously. Even assuming graduates from Omega are lower-performanced, no indication demonstrates that it springs from the discontent of future employers on graduates’ grades. Other scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine it. For instance, insufficient career guiding, imprudent strategies or poor management, or maybe graduates from Omega are more likely to study further to obtain PhD rather than work.

Thirdly, granted that all assumptions above-mentioned are tenable, this argument is still unwarranted, for the measure to abolish student evaluation of professors immediately. With no reference to positive effect of the assessment system, we cannot jump to the conclusion that this implement has served no useful purpose for Omega University. Perhaps it inspires morale of professor and intrigues enthusiasm of students. Additionally, feasibility and negative effects of annulling the evaluation promptly should take into consideration, too. To insure its graduates to ensure better jobs, Omega University can expand other ways to reinforce the consciousness of self-improvement of its graduates in the manner of opening relative courses to achieve it.

In conclusion, this memo is unpersuasive as it stands. To better appraise it, we need more explicit figures and foregone effects about the step of assessment, the intrinsic link between the new procedure of evaluation and the boosting scores of Omega University’s students, and minutia of local job-hunting circumstance.