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IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today



 
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IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today #1 (permalink) Wed May 04, 2011 19:14 pm   IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today
 

please help me to revise and grade my essay. I would be very thankful.

Task:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need
music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the
International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Essay:

There are many different types of music in the world today. It consists of two type’s music, namely, the traditional music and the international music. Each of them consists on many types of music.

Unconsciously we hear music every day, though not every time. On the street while walking some of us enjoy hear music with iPod etc. Sometimes in restaurant traditional or folk music are played, so the guest can enjoy the meal. In a bar or cafe, music is a must, so the guest can enjoy the atmosphere while talking each other.

Without music it will be hard. For example, sometimes I can learn better, if i hear music, even it is rock music. It is just better than nothing. Sometimes music can motivate us, so we can focus on do something better. Without music, it could be boring.

I think the international music is as important as the traditional music nowadays. Even the international one is more popular. But there are still many groups which still keep the traditional one, so this kind of music still exists. The traditional music of a country also shows us how a country develops, not in economic aspect, but culturally. Traditional music is normally also important because it related to the traditional dance. Without traditional music the traditional dance wouldn’t be exist.

In conclusion I believe that the most of us need music, pop, hip hop, jazz, countries, blues and other types of music. And every of us have a favorites music. That means that all kind of music is important to us.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university arts lecture on Greek drama
Mr.oho
New Member


Joined: 28 Apr 2011
Posts: 5

Re: IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today #2 (permalink) Thu May 05, 2011 2:35 am   Re: IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today
 

Hi, I am not a teacher, but as a native speaker, I will make a few comments on your essay. I think your English is ok - you need to work on broadening your vocabulary though. But your essay falls far short of adequately addressing the task. Most of your essay meanders around and doesn't argue for much of anything at all. I think you need to pick a side of the essay subject and definitively argue your point.

Mr.oho wrote:
please help me to revise and grade my essay. I would be very thankful.

Task:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need
music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the
International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Essay:

There are many different types of music in the world today. It consists of two type’s music, namely, the traditional music and the international music. Each of them consists on many types of music. {This introductory paragraph really isn't saying much at all. Try to define what international and traditional music are and state your thesis. YOu need to decide whether the traditional music is vital and should somehow be protected from the ever present international music which threatens to engulf it. Or not.}

Unconsciously we hear music every day, though not every[all the] time. On the street while walking some of us enjoy hear[ing] music with [an] iPod etc. Sometimes in restaurant{s} traditional or folk music are played, so the guest{s} can enjoy the meal. In a bar or cafe, music is a must, so the guest{s} can enjoy the atmosphere while talking [with] each other.

Without music it will[life would] be hard. For example, sometimes I can learn better, if i hear music, even it is rock music. It is just better than nothing. Sometimes music can motivate us, so we can focus on do[ing] something better. Without music, it[everyday tasks] could be boring.

I think the international music is as important as the traditional music nowadays. Even the international one[style] is more popular. But there are still many groups which still keep the traditional one [alive], so this kind of music still exists. The traditional music of a country also shows us how a country develops, not in [the] economic aspect, but culturally. Traditional music is normally also important because it [is] related to the traditional dance. Without traditional music the traditional dance wouldn’t be[couldn't] exist.

In conclusion I believe that the most of us need music,{colon here} pop, hip hop, jazz, countries[country], blues and other types of music. And every [one] of us have[has] a favorites music. That means that all kind{s} of music is[are] important to us.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university arts lecture on Greek drama
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6787
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today #3 (permalink) Thu May 05, 2011 17:58 pm   IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today
 

Hi Luschen,

I thank you for your comments. It helps me so much. Because I am actually bad at writing.
I will try then the next one :)
Mr.oho
New Member


Joined: 28 Apr 2011
Posts: 5

IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today #4 (permalink) Thu May 05, 2011 18:39 pm   IETLS - There are many different types of music in the world today
 

Hi, I don't think you are that bad at writing! Maybe this is a hard topic because it has so many different points. I agree that trying a different essay topic may be a good idea.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6787
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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