 #3 (permalink) Thu May 12, 2011 17:11 pm Re: My first IELTS essay :) |
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Hi, I have made some corrections to your essay. I think your introductory paragraph needs be extended a bit.
| Mysen930 wrote: |
This is my another essay that just completed this afternoon. Thanks a lot for pointing out the improper grammar mistakes and improper use of words.
The topic is "Some people believe that the children are given too much free time. They feel this time should be used to do more school work. To what extend do you agree?"
Nowadays, whether students should be granted with excessive leisure time has become a controversial issue.
Evidently{"surely" would be a better word here}, giving too much spare time to students can cause a series of problems. To start with, young students are at the best stage in their lives to acquire knowledge. In other words, provided that[if] they are give[given] too much spare time to focus on social activities instead of academic coursework, they will have to do much more work in the future to make up for what they have missed. Moreover, youngsters are vulnerable to negative factors. For instance, the excessive porngraphic{sp} and violent contents in{content of} TV programs can easily mislead adolescents who are lack of the ability to distinguish [btween] the good and bad. Above all, students may go astray in contemporary society where the crime rate is high. This point can be best confirmed by plenty of research findings which illustrate that there is a definite link between adult crime rate and the incidence of teenager offence.[offenses]
Admittedly, it is not unreasonable that giving students more spare time is beneficial to some extends[extent]. This is because that leisure time can relax the students who are suffering from overloading[an overload of] school work. In addition, it can also promote the development of students’ social adaptability. Nevertheless, these benefits can also be satisfied through the efforts of [the] school. More precisely, [the] school should reduce the burden of students and, at the same time, it can[could] design some tasks that are relevant to social activities such as group work presentation and the community service under its guidance, which can train students’ social skills but can avoid the potential harm from society in the meantime.
To sum up, I would concede that giving students more spare time is beneficial to some extends[extent]. Despite that, it is still too risky to expose youngsters to society where they can be easily influenced badly{"where they can easily be badly influenced"}. In conclusion, students should not be given too much spare time while[as] their social skill{s} can be trained at school with some improvement in the pedagogical methodology.
TOEFL listening lectures: Why do the Lascaux cave paintings probably not qualify as graffiti? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2132
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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