should sports classes be sacrificed in high school. please assess my essay

[Mona1]

Should sports classes be sacrificed in High School so students can concentrate on academic subjects?

Nowadays, education process is more expanded and easier than before, especially, in many schools that their education depends on progressive books, and professionals teachers who perform their dutie in the best and modern ways. Thus, students find appropriate environment to acquire knowledges and informatios, and perform others activities at the same time.

We all know that, high school phase is the most significant period in the students lives, for several reasons, firstly, there are people who believe that, in this phase they need scors that allow them to attend the university. Therefore, they must focus on their subjects, and they put all their efforts on them, and give up all the others activities like playing football and swimming.
Secondly, in high school phase, students become teenagers. Undoubtedly, teenagers period is the most dangerous period in people's life, because, in this phase, student moves on from childhood into adulthood, and change his or her genes. Thus, he behaves as a adult man, and commit many mistakes, such as, smoking and dating girls, fighting with his colleagues, because he wonts to confirm his manhood, as a result of all these behaviors he loses his focus on his education. Moreover, damage his scors, and perhaps he loses his future.

But also, we admit, there are students who can perform their school works, and other activities, there are many factors which make them successful, and achieved their education goals. For instance, some parents raised their children on depending on themselves and do any thing on their own responsobility, but without they commit any mistakes. Thus, they created valid generation who accepts the academic life and
work out on themselves.

To sum up, as I mentioned above, parents play an important role to shape their children's life, and make a successful generation who full of love and life, and learning love. If there is time and intelligents students, why not? we can study and play sport,
in this way, we kill two birds by one stone, gain knowldges and keep our bodies fit.

TOEFL listening discussions: What are the two students doing?

[Mona1]

please my brother, check my essay, please please

[Luschen]

Hi, your writing and your grammar are pretty good, but your essay is very disorganized. I had a lot of trouble following what you were trying to say. Your essay never really answers the question or even addresses the question until your very last sentence. You should have an introduction saying that extra-curricular activities are very popular in school. Then either say they should be kept or should be eliminated. Then give two paragraphs supporting either the retention of these activities or their elimination. Then give a short summary restating your thesis and your main points. Sorry to be so blunt, but your writing is actually quite good, so it is frustrating because I don't know what you are trying to teach me.

[Mona1]

Thank you very much my dear, my God bless you, honestly, you made me laugh, especially, when you said, genes do not change. You are right, I do not know how I wrote genes instead of hormonal. looooool
but anywhy, thank so much, I learn from my mistakes..