 #2 (permalink) Tue May 17, 2011 2:46 am Re: Essay: Compare advantages of living in dormitories and living off campus! |
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Hi, you have written a great essay. I have heard that the TOEFL graders do not like writers to start their sentences with And or But, so I have modified those instances.
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Topic:
Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. They may choose to live in university dormitories, or they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with the advantages of living in apartment in the community. Where would you prefer to live?
Essay:
When students enter universities, they are usually far way from homes. And they have to choose [between] living in dormitories or living in apartments in the communities. Either place has some advantages. {Try to come up with a more powerful thesis statement}
Living in university dormitories means that students do not care[need to worry] much about buying furniture such as beds, desks, lights, cabinets and so on. They are ready to use in almost dormitories.{"Dormitories almost always come fully equipped with these conveniences"} Moreover, dormitories are in[on] the university campus, so students can save a lot of time and money to[when traveling] move between their dormitories and classrooms. They maybe spend[use] such[this saved] time and money to study more. And another advantage of living on campus is that students have many friends [who] come from various regions of the country, even from other countries. Therefore, they have opportunities to make friends [with] each other and to share their culture, activities, and feelings. As a result, they avoid homesick[ness] and [its associated stress]get relaxed.
On the other hand, living in apartments outside campus, students must not[do not have to] follow strict rules of dormitories. Thus, they can get job{s} easily to earn money and to obtain work skills. Furthermore, living in apartments, students can keep[more easily avoid] noise away and focus on their lessons. [This is] In contrast to dormitories, [where] each room has more [than] two students and [where noise is unavoidable] it is easy to make noise. Additionally, they can arrange and decorate their rooms in their [own] ways. And{Also,] they can buy foods and cooking materials, the[and] cook a variety of dishes they like, which help them feel delicious[satisfied] and eat a lot[well].
In conclusion, there are advantages in[to] both living on campus and living off campus. But in my opinion, I really want to living in my own apartment. [This is] Because I can live [with] more freedom, earn jobs to spend more and obtain work skills, concentrate on studying better and eat the meals I like.
Please check my essay and rate it! Thank you a lot :D
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2132
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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