TOEFL Essay: on Earth and Human activity

[jura]

Alan, would you rate my essay and let me know your views on the same.

Topic :

Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Answer :

Research so far has shown there is life only on plant Earth. Since B.C and A.D periods humans have been living on planet earth with affection, discipline and integrity. Mankind has worked for several years to make this planet, Earth a better place everyday by putting their efforts. These efforts are seen in form of facilities and developments build for better life, protecting the environment and enforcing laws.

Mankind has made tremendous progress since the ancient years and changed the outlook of earth into a better and more beautiful place. The progress is seen in form of facilities implemented for people to live their daily life in comfort and planned way. In early days it would take months to travel from one part of the world to another part. But the progress that people have made, it now takes a couple of hours to reach from one end of the world to another end of world. Another change that humans have progressed is in development of living standards. Earlier humans used to live in huts, but now people live in houses and mansions.

April 22 is celebrated as Earth Day all over the world. There are non profit organizations and associations that spread the awareness of Earth Day to people all across the world. The mission of these organizations and the purpose of Earth day is to save earth by protecting the environment in different ways. One way of protecting the environment and earth is by planting more trees and giving proper supply of water, fertilizers to these trees. Another way is by building reservoirs to store water and make proper use of it. There is scarcity of water in many parts of the world and hence stored water is used in proper manner by humans and for environment growth.

Humans are enforced to follow laws created by the society and it is for the benefit of mankind and saving the planet earth. Laws have both good and bad impact. There are laws on forest preservations, land expansions and many more. Because of these laws, we have forests that are protected and maintained around the world. In addition to forests laws, there are laws on land expansion and protection.

Humans are making progress each and every day in fields like technology, science, and medicine. They are making sure to consider all the factors without causing any harm to planet earth. The time in which we are currently living with comfort and all the luxuries is because of the efforts made by humans taking into consideration some of the factors like facilities and development in the society, protection of the environment and implementing laws to follow these factors.

[Alan]

Hi Jura,

My amendments are in capitals:

Topic :

Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live . What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Answer:

Research so far has shown there is life only on plant PLANET Earth. Since BEFORE THE TIME OF CHRIST humans have been living on planet earth with affection, discipline and integrity. Mankind has worked for several years to make this planet, Earth a better place every day by putting their efforts INTO IT. These efforts are seen in THE form of facilities and developments build BUILT for A better life, protecting the environment and enforcing laws.

Mankind has made tremendous progress since ancient years TIMES and changed the outlook of earth into a better and more beautiful place. The progress is seen in THE form of facilities implemented for people to live their daily life in A comfortABLE and planned way. In THE early days it would take months to travel from one part of the world to another SAME SENTENCE But WITH the progress that people have made, it now takes a couple of hours to reach TRAVEL from one end of the world to THE OTHER. Another change that humans have progressed is in THEdevelopment of living standards. Earlier humans used to live in huts, but now people live in houses and mansions.

April 22 is celebrated as Earth Day all over the world. There are non profit organizations and associations that spread the awareness of Earth Day to people all across the world. The mission of these organizations and the purpose of Earth day is to save THE earth by protecting the environment in different ways. One way of protecting the environment and THE earth is by planting more trees and PROVIDING A proper supply of water, fertilizers to these trees. Another way is by building reservoirs to store water and make proper use of it. There is A scarcity of water in many parts of the world and hence stored water is used in Aproper manner by humans and for environment growth.

Humans are forced to follow laws created by society and it is for the benefit of mankind and saving the planet earth. Laws have both A good and bad impact. There are laws on forest preservations, land expansions and many more. Because of these laws, we have forests that are protected and maintained around the world. In addition to forest laws, there are laws on land expansion and protection.

Humans are making progress each and every day in fields like technology, science, and medicine. They are making sure THAT THEY consider all the factors without causing any harm to planet earth. The time in which we are currently living with comfort and all the luxuries is because of the efforts made by humans taking into consideration some of the factors like facilities and development in society, protection of the environment and implementing laws to follow these factors.


You must be more careful about the use of the articles. I think this piece would be better if you could write more about facts rather than use so many abstract comments.

Alan
_________________
English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Phrasal Verbs/run

[jura]

Hello Alan,

Could you help giving some points on this topics all I could think was what I have written and what are some of the ways of brainstrorming. I am aware of Word association method.

Do you think this essay would still be OK to get a score of 3 or more.

Thanks,
JURA