my essay:In order to achieve happiness of yourself you have to make others happy

[Betty2011]

could you evaluate my TOEFL independent essay, please? Many thanks in advance.

Our common sense dictates that human being, as a kind of social creature, always has some relationships with the people around him. So the speaker here holds a point of view that it is necessary for us to make other people happy in order to achieve happiness of ourselves. I agree with the speaker to some extent, but the speaker may ignore some factors that happiness should be both build on our own and relates to other people.

First of all, it is important for us to realize that happiness needs our own hands to set up. It means for the most of time of our lives, the only way to achieve our success to attain happiness is through the hardworking and struggling of our own. For example, if studying abroad in university can bring you great happiness at this time, the only thing you need to do is to study as hard as you can rather than rely on the happiness of other people, because nobody can replace you in this process.

However, our happiness should not be singly based on our own hard work. In many other cases our happiness is actually related to the happiness of other people and it is very obvious in today's society. For example, when you are working as a team member such as a football player or members of other group working together for one project, the success actually depends greatly on the efforts of every member. So the happiness should certainly be defined as the happiness of everyone together rather than individuals.

Moreover, we will make more friends and gain more support through the process of making other people happy and these people would help us to attain success in turn. For example, if you are a leader of a company, you must be kind to them and make sure your employees have good welfare. As a result they will work hard to make more profits for the company. So this will finally make you happy.

To sum up, the happiness of our own should be mainly decided by the hardworking of ourselves, but without the happiness of other people, we might lose the essence of happiness.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students (2)

[Betty2011]

I will be very happy if you point out my mistakes, and because my microphone broken this time, I cannot record the message.