please check my toelf essay><I need your help!!

[Mihomiho]

Salary increases and promotions to new positions are not the only ways to reward employees for good work. What other rewards for good work can be effective in encouraging further good work?

In my view, I agree to this idea which is salary increases and promotions to new positions are not the only ways to reward employees for good work because I feel very happy when I am admit my job and said “thank you” than increasing salary and promoting to new positions.
I am working as teacher at private school now. I feel this job is really fun and having value to work for me because of my students. I have many students in my class. They make me happy when they say “thank you for teaching” and “I can understand well”. When I am heard such as this, my motivation of job is up to really high. Moreover it makes me do more hard work. I feel I want to teach more easily and I think I must study more to teach them.
When I was high school student, I worked at shop as part time job. This job was really hard for me. At first, I was scolded by my boss but I tried to do as well as possible. I thought that I wanted to quite the job again and again at that time. However, my customers make me cheer up when I liked talking with them and I watched their smile. I always got cheerful from my customers. Moreover when I could do job well than before, my boss admitted my job. He said that my job is really better than before. When I heard this from my boss, I thought I was happy keeping the job.
Therefore, with all given points above, I strongly feel that admitting from others and being said “thank you” from customers is the best rewards for good work than increasing salary and promoting to new positions.
(295)
please give me advises!!

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and a professor in the professor's office

[Katty2010]

Salary increases and promotions to new positions are not the only ways to reward employees for good work. What other rewards for good work can be effective in encouraging further good work?

In my view, I agree to this idea which is THAT salary increases and promotions to new positions are not the only ways to reward employees for good work because I feel very happy when I RECIEVE AN APPRECIATIVE THANK YOU am admit my job and said “thank you” RATHER than GET increasED salary and promotION to new positions.

I am working as teacher at private school now. I feel this job is really fun and having value to work for me because of my students. I have many students in my class. They make me happy when they say “thank you for teaching” and “I can understand well”. When I am heard HEAR such WORD OF APPRECIATION [s]as this,[/s] my motivation of job INCREASES [s]is up to really high[/s]. Moreover it makes me do more hard work. I feel I want to teach more easily and I think I must study more to teach them.

When I was A high school student, I worked at A shop as part time job. This job was really hard for me. At first, I was scolded by my boss but I tried to do as well as possible. I thought that I wanted to quite the job again and again at that time. However, my customers maDe me cheer up when I liked talking with them and I watched their smile. I always got cheerful from my customers. Moreover when I could do job well than before, my boss APPRECIATED MY EFFORTS my job. He said that my WORK is really better than before. When I heard this from my boss, I FELT HAPPY AND MOTIVATED TO DO MY BEST thought I was happy keeping the job.

Therefore, with all given points above, I strongly feel that admitting from others and being said “thank you” from customers is the best rewards for good work than increasing salary and promoting to new positions.

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Mr. Mihomiho, you have written a fair essay. But you need to work hard to improve your reading skills. The more you read the better you will do on your writing. Read reader digest or other books. Mark new words, make sentences, use a dictionary. Improve your grammar by grammar excercises, your tenses, and sentence structure. You need to work hard. 5.5/10
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