purchase business or a house? please assess my essay. Thanks so much :)

[Bokehaholic]

It is obligatory for all of students like me to rent a room or live at the college’s dormitory when we do not afford to own a house. If I am fortunate to have enough money, I will definitely buy a house instead of purchasing a business. Although business seems important to most people, owning a house is more interesting to me because it is a place where I can be inspired and can rest after stressful working hours.
To begin with, I admit that I dislike renting a house or living with a roommate in the college’s dormitory. Firstly, at the end or the beginning of each month, paying rent fee for the room can really concern me. If I encounter some financial problems, not having enough money to pay for the rented room will do upset the owner and in the next month, it will become a great burden on my shoulders. Secondly, I do not have much freedom when living with a roommate or renting a room outside the campus. For instance, I should not come back late at night after partying because it will bother my roommate and the owner of the house as well. Nor should I turn my music loud to relax due to the fact that others are not able to concentrate attentively on what they are doing. There seems to many rules to follow, some of which really take my freedom away.
However, things will be completely different when I have my own house. For one thing, I can invite my old friend for a big party at my house without going to restaurant. The atmosphere is more private and closer as well. Furthermore, I love decoration and thus, I adorn my house with colorful paint, beautiful flowers and posters of my favorite figures. Likewise, there will be nobody complaining me come home late after partying with my friends or studying and doing research at the college’s library. What is more, I can burst into tears without inhibition when I feel depressed and I can turn my music loud to relax to relieve the strain after studying hours as well.
All in all, it is more interesting for me to have a house. Although purchasing a business maybe critical and necessary for my career, I prefer to have my private place where I can be inspired and motivated to work and study more efficiently. After all, a house is a final destination in our daily journey and it will help us gain more energy and vigor to begin other following journeys.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture on the history of the English language

[Justin_Huang]

Hi Bokehaholic,
Please review your subject. You are supposed to assume that you have enough money to buy either a house or a business, and then make a choice from the two.
It is not a good idea to mention renting houses in this essay.

Justin

[Justin_Huang]

Hi Bokehaholic,
My previous reply was offhand. Let me explain more about my personal feelings.

The subject is about making a choice from two given options. It is necessary to convince your readers why you choose A instead of B. To me, I'll be convinced if you tell me not only the reason why A is important to you, but also why B is not. However, your essay focuses on why you choose A but never explains what kind of (bad) situation would be if you choose B. As a result, your essay makes me feel as if the subject were "renting a house or buying a house."

Justin

[Bokehaholic]

Thanks for your advice. I'll rewrite it :)