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Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!!



 
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Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!! #1 (permalink) Sat Nov 12, 2011 4:59 am   Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!!
 

Topic:

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.

What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Since the beginning of time, health have become the most important thing in our lives because we cannot do anything without it. However, overweight is now one of the main problems which affect badly in levels of health and fitness in some areas, especially in developed countries. The improvement of technology and fastfood, in my opinion, are the two main causes of the weight trouble nowadays.

There is no doubt that convenient conditions brought us by technology today lead to people being lazy because we do not have to do many things like we did in the past. A good example of this is elevator, which helps us to go up without walking. Consequently, people depend on it excessively which means our bodies miss chances to move so that is why the average weight is rising. An answer for this problem is eliminating technology when we are not really need. For instance, in Vietnam, some of universities give up elevators to prevent students and staffs from using them too much. As a result, a lot of overweight students say that their weight decrease significantly after graduating.

Another reason of declining levels of health and fitness in the society is the popularity of fastfood. It is clear that fastfood makes our weight increase remarkably. For example, fastfood restaurants, such as KFC, Lotteria and McDonald, become extremely poplular in many countries and people really like them. Thus, rising in the weight of people is unstoppable. The solution for this cause relies on each people of us by how we adjust our diets in lives, namely that we can eat fastfood but just once or twice a week or even a month. Instead of that, putting more vegetables and fruits in diets could be much better.

To conclude, technological development and popularity of fastfood are two processes which cannot be stopped but we have to prevent them from influencing negatively people’s health. By many ways, people have to regulate them appropriately and should not use them too much in order to limit the increasing trend of weight in the society.

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Edward_Rolandohmygod
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Joined: 28 Oct 2011
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Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!! #2 (permalink) Sat Nov 12, 2011 6:50 am   Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!!
 

starting of essay can be improved.. u have to work on how to start a essay.. rest is good..
Nura
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Joined: 12 Nov 2011
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Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!! #3 (permalink) Sun Nov 13, 2011 1:03 am   Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!!
 

Hi Edward,
For your reference.

health have become --> health has become
An answer for this problem --> An answer to this problem
The solution for this cause --> The solution to this problem
influencing negatively people’s health --> negatively influencing people’s health

Justin
Justin_Huang
I'm here quite often ;-)


Joined: 31 Aug 2011
Posts: 407
Location: Taiwan (ROC)

Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!! #4 (permalink) Sun Nov 13, 2011 21:55 pm   Please correct my essay. Thank you very much!!!!
 

Nice eassy. Probably you cna add some examples and add one more paragraph.

More the number of words, more points you can expect.
RajToefl
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 13 Nov 2011
Posts: 13

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