 #2 (permalink) Thu May 11, 2006 17:46 pm Please review my TOEFL essay: Why do people go to coll... |
|
|
Hi Mahsa,
I've put some changes in CAPITAL letters:
| Quote: |
Why do people go to college?
It is always the same question: What will I do after I finished/FINISH/HAVE FINISHED school? For many reasons students choose the/AN academic career. But why do many prefer /TO GO going to college? Is it all about money or knowledge?
Many parents groom their children for a career in an academic field where they earn a lot of money and get acceptance/ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY. This surety is important for them to know that their children will have social security./SECURITY IN LIFE
This is often not to be influenced/OFTEN NOT CONSIDERED BY by the children, because they have never looked out for anything else than/ANYTHING EXCEPT GETTING A DOCTORATE a doctor title and fortune. From the first grade, they had to be the class’ best /THE BEST IN THE CLASS and were never confronted with any other perspective/OUTLOOK.
To make it clear: Children of for example physicians very often study medicine.
Another reason for studying is the higher probability for/OF a better work/JOB than students who decide to make a /OPT FOR vocational education. In a corporation higher graduated degrees/HIGHER DEGREES are more in demand.
Some students do not fit inTO any of the abovementioned schemes. They just do not want to go to work yet. They live their life to the full as long as possible. If they work, they will not be able to enjoy their lives. According to the motto: Living like a bee in clover!/IN HONEY As long as they study, they do not have to work and real life can wait.
A minority is left. Those who really want to study, because they are hungry for knowledge.
They cannot wait for more information to fill their brains with. They enjoy what they are doing and know what they want. Studying is their self-fulfilment like IT IS for otherS playing football. Those students are looking forward for/TO every exam and they are the only ones who like the lecturers. That’s why they are always the best ones, because they like what they do. All in all, it is always an advantage to study. Not only for personal knowledge, it is a good experience for life. Students have to learn by themselves to be organized, punctual and studious to achieve one’s/THEIR aim. A perfect preparation for the/A future profession. |
This is quite good. Try to use simpler expressions when you write. The last part I have underlined is the best part.
Alan
_________________
English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Present Simple |
|
Alan
Co-founder
Joined: 27 Sep 2003
Posts: 13887
Location: UK
|
