Please check my essay. Thanks a lot!

[Fhejri]

Everybody requires a second language in various conditions of life. Some people commence learning it in their own country. Also, a second language might be taught in schools. However, some other people believe not to need knowing a foreign language in their own country. In my opinion, people should learn a second language in their country. Some reasons are described as follows
Many people learn a foreign language to emigrate in that country. They need a background about this country’s language firstly to communicate. This background decreases their worry significantly. Also, being in a foreign country and having contact with people can be helpful to improve their language and accent.
Sometimes people need a second language in their country for doing some works such as some occupations, study, etc. Therefore, it is necessary to learn a second language in their country without leaving it. For example, commuters who travel for their occupation should have adequate knowledge about a second language and mostly an international one. In addition, people should be able to study their lessons in an international language to continue their education. Because most of references namely textbooks and papers are written in those languages.
As a consequence, learning a foreign language in own country causes to promote in some occupations and education. Furthermore, it can help people to be confident enough to communicate with foreign people while they inhabit in that country.

TOEFL listening discussions: A stereotypical toy means?

[Katty2010]

Everybody requires a second language in various conditions of life. Some people commence learning it in their own country. Also, a second language might be taught in schools. However, some other people believe THERE IS NO TO KNOW A not to need knowing a foreign language in their own country. In my opinion, people should learn a second language in their country. Some reasons are described as follows

Many people learn a foreign language to emigrate TO ANOTHER country. They need a background about this country’s language firstly to communicate. This background decreases their worry significantly. Also, being in a foreign country and having contact with people can be helpful to improve their language and accent.
Sometimes people need a second language in their country for doing some works such as some occupations, study, etc. Therefore, it is necessary to learn a second language in their country without leaving it. For example, commuters who travel for their occupation should have adequate knowledge about a second language and mostly an international one. In addition, people should be able to study their lessons in an international language to continue their education. Because most of references namely textbooks and papers are written in those languages.

As a consequence, learning a foreign language in own country causes to promote in some occupations and education. Furthermore, it can help people to be confident enough to communicate with foreign people while they inhabit in that country.

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Good Essay. Try following the toefl pattern though:-
Introduction
Reason 1 +example + details
Reason 2 +example + details.
Conclusion.

8.5/10 Goodluck!:)
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[Fhejri]

Dear Katty,
I appreciate your advice,
regards,