PLEASE give me a score . I am going to get an exam

[Tranthien_93]

Please give me a score and some comments . i am going to take ielts test :
QUESTION : the crime rate is increasing , expecially teenagers . Give some reasons and solutions ?

The increase in the number of teen criminals is a concern of people.There are several reasons for this , and many solutions that parents and schools should conduct .

Lack of supervision of parents might be the biggest reason .Nowadays , parents are too busy working and earning money , which is the reason why people are unable to spend time educating children about life and moral lessons. hence , many teenagers may do not know how to examine what things are accurate or bad. Consequently , they may be spoilt by bad habits or get involved in illegal jobs . In fact,children tend to perform who ther are , and in this case , many of them mistakenly think that living on their own by spoliating wealth is normal .

To address this problem , parents and schools have to take place many methods . Parents should spend more time caring about their chilren and teaching them about life .They also need to elucidate how important roles and moral are .This can help teenagers have proper orientations and rewarding advice which help them not take part in prohibited occupations .Also , teachers should set many regulations to make those young people obey those roles .It cannot be denied that regulations will prevent them from being a criminal .

By way of conclusion , lack of moral lessons from parents might be the primary reason of this trend , and parents and schools should make efforts to elucidate children many moral lessons which help to shape the proper generations

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor mention Mona Lisa?

[IELTSbuddy]

Hi,

Here is a corrected version:


The increase in the number of teenage criminals is a concern for many people. There are several reasons for this increase, and many solutions that parents and schools should consider.

Lack of supervision of parents might be the biggest reason. Nowadays, parents are too busy working and earning money, which is the reason why they are unable to spend time educating their children about life and moral behavior. Hence, many teenagers may not know how to decide what actions are right or wrong. Consequently, they may be develop bad habits or get involved in illegal activities . In fact, [children tend to perform who ther are , and in this case , many of them mistakenly think that living on their own by spoliating wealth is normal] – I don’t understand what you are saying in this bit I have put in brackets, so I can’t correct it.

To address this problem, parents and schools have to do several things. Parents should spend more time caring about their children and teaching them about life. They also need to elucidate how important roles and morals are. This can help teenagers have [proper orientations]??? and rewarding advice which will encourage them not take part in [prohibited occupations]?? .Also, teachers should set many regulations to make those young people obey [those roles]?? . It cannot be denied that regulations will prevent them from becoming criminals.

In conclusion, lack of moral lessons from parents might be the primary reason of this trend, and parents and schools should make efforts to provide children with many moral lessons which will help to shape our future generations.


Sorry I prefer not to give band scores (maybe someone else can do that for you) but I can give some general feedback.

Your strengths are that you know how to structure a basic short essay, as you've organized it well with a brief intro and conclusion, and one body about the reasons and another about solutions.

Your ideas are generally ok, but your development of them is sometimes unclear which is because you have issues with some of your expressions. Here are some examples - these are all phrasing that is not clear, used in the wrong context or not correct:


should conduct
what things are accurate
spoilt by bad habits
illegal jobs
perform who ther are
living on their own by spoliating wealth
take place many methods
proper orientations a
prohibited occupation
efforts to elucidate children many moral lessons

Plus you have the section I bracketed which I did not understand.

Things like this will bring your score down because it makes parts of your work a strain to read / understand.

So I think you need to work on your vocabulary use more than anything. Are you trying to use 'high level' vocabulary to get a better score that may be your are not confident using?

You are better to stick with what you know. Using vocab your are not sure of will end up getting you a worse score that sticking with simpler vocabulary that you know.
_________________
Improve your IELTS -
IELTS buddy