| please check my essay | Please can you review my essay about education Thanks a lot |
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 #1 (permalink) Wed Jan 04, 2012 10:53 am Please check my essay! Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Topic:
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This pratice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negatie impact on others.
To what extent is this style of management effective?
Are there better ways of encouraging employess to work hard?
In many companies, workers are rewarded bonus by their employers after working efficiently. There are those who argue that this pratice leads to a bad influence being caused on other employees. In this essay, I shall explore both sides of this controversial issue and give another method to encourage workers.
It is clear that giving people extra money is one of the most effective ways to encourage them to work because money is the biggest motivation when working. For example, workers are given more tasks or special tasks to finish and their bosses do not reward them anything, they will feel that it is worthless and they are wasting of time doing those jobs. Consequently, they will do their works in a reluctant way.
On the other hand, though it is true that the development of personal finance motivate employees to work, we should bear in mind that other people will be jealous when they see their colleagues getting more money than they do. For instance, when a person is given bonus after exceptional contribution, a lot of co-workers think that if they were permitted to do the task, they could be able to work better. As a result, they will prevent that person from working next time at any cost.
From my point of view, a more effective way to make employees work hard is for the employers to allow them to spend more time on holiday than others. A good example of this is VILEXIM, where workers’ vacation will be increased by one week if they complete their jobs effectively. Therefore, people will feel relaxed and others are also not uncomfortable about that.
To conclude, in my opinion, rewarding bonus for members of staff who work efficiently is an effective way, but it occasionally makes other people jealous. A good idea is for the company to give their decent workers more day-offs, so no one will be harsh with this decision.
TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday? |
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Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 50
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| #2 (permalink) Wed Jan 04, 2012 15:34 pm Re: Please check my essay! Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Hi, I am not an English teacher, but as a native English speaker I have made some comments on your essay. I think you have done a very good job - I could only find a few grammatical errors. There were also a few sentences which were unclear to me and a few phrases which I have rewritten. Yours were correct, but I think my suggestions are more concise and easier to understand.
| Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote: |
Topic:
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This pratice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negatie impact on others.
To what extent is this style of management effective?
Are there better ways of encouraging employess to work hard?
In many companies, workers are rewarded bonus by their employers after working efficiently. There are those who argue that this pratice leads to a bad influence being caused on other employees.{this sentence is awkward and wordy - try "... this practice has a bad influence on the other employees"} In this essay, I shall explore both sides of this controversial issue and give another method to encourage workers.
It is clear that giving people extra money is one of the most effective ways to encourage them to work because money is the biggest motivation when working.{"... motivation for employees" sounds better} For example, [if] workers are given more tasks or special tasks to finish and their bosses do not reward them anything {"reward them with anything" or better, just "reward them"}, they will feel that it is worthless and they are wasting of[their] time doing those jobs. Consequently, they will do their works[work] in a reluctant way. {"... do their work more reluctantly." sounds better}
On the other hand, though it is true that the development of personal finance{"development of personal finance" doesn't make sense to me - "personal finance" is how people manage their bills, bank accounts and investments} motivate[s ] employees to work, we should bear in mind that other people will be jealous when they see their colleagues getting more money than they do. For instance, when a person is given [a] bonus after [an] exceptional contribution, a lot of co-workers think that if they were permitted to do the task, they could be able to work better.{do you mean "... they could have done the work better." ?} As a result, they will prevent that person from working next time at any cost.
From my point of view, a more effective way to make employees work hard is for the employers to allow them to spend more time on holiday than others. A good example of this is VILEXIM, where workers’ vacation will be increased by one week if they complete their jobs effectively. Therefore, people will feel relaxed and others are also not uncomfortable about that.{this sentence is unclear to me}
To conclude, in my opinion, rewarding bonus[es ] for members of staff who work efficiently is an effective way,{you have to say an effective way to what? or just say "... is effective"} but it occasionally makes other people jealous. A good idea is for the company to give their decent[outstanding] {I would think all the workers are "decent" or they would be fired} workers more day-offs[days off], so no one will be harsh[upset] with this decision.
TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Wed Jan 04, 2012 15:54 pm Re: Please check my essay! Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Thanks for your help! In several sentences, I did not know how to express them clearly. Can you help me to find the best way for these? (The red one)
| Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote: |
Topic:
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This pratice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negatie impact on others.
To what extent is this style of management effective?
Are there better ways of encouraging employess to work hard?
In many companies, workers are rewarded bonus by their employers after working efficiently. There are those who argue that this pratice leads to a bad influence being caused on other employees.{this sentence is awkward and wordy - try "... this practice has a bad influence on the other employees"} In this essay, I shall explore both sides of this controversial issue and give another method to encourage workers.
It is clear that giving people extra money is one of the most effective ways to encourage them to work because money is the biggest motivation when working.{"... motivation for employees" sounds better} For example, [if] workers are given more tasks or special tasks to finish and their bosses do not reward them anything {"reward them with anything" or better, just "reward them"}, they will feel that it is worthless and they are wasting of[their] time doing those jobs. Consequently, they will do their works[work] in a reluctant way. {"... do their work more reluctantly." sounds better}
On the other hand, though it is true that the development of personal finance{"development of personal finance" doesn't make sense to me - "personal finance" is how people manage their bills, bank accounts and investments} (What I mean by this is to earn more money) motivate[s ] employees to work, we should bear in mind that other people will be jealous when they see their colleagues getting more money than they do. For instance, when a person is given [a] bonus after [an] exceptional contribution, a lot of co-workers think that if they were permitted to do the task, they could be able to work better.{do you mean "... they could have done the work better." ?}(Yeah, that is what I mean) As a result, they will prevent that person from working next time at any cost.
From my point of view, a more effective way to make employees work hard is for the employers to allow them to spend more time on holiday than others. A good example of this is VILEXIM, where workers’ vacation will be increased by one week if they complete their jobs effectively. Therefore, people will feel relaxed and others are also not uncomfortable about that.{this sentence is unclear to me} (I mean this method is good for the outstanding person, and it is also OK for the other workers)
To conclude, in my opinion, rewarding bonus[es ] for members of staff who work efficiently is an effective way,{you have to say an effective way to what? or just say "... is effective"} but it occasionally makes other people jealous. A good idea is for the company to give their decent[outstanding] {I would think all the workers are "decent" or they would be fired} workers more day-offs[days off], so no one will be harsh[upset] with this decision.
TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday? |
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Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 50
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| #4 (permalink) Wed Jan 04, 2012 19:40 pm Re: Please check my essay! Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Hi, here are some suggestions for the awkward sentences - do they make sense to you?
| Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote: |
Thanks for your help! In several sentences, I did not know how to express them clearly. Can you help me to find the best way for these? (The red one)
| Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote: |
Topic:
Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. This pratice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negatie impact on others.
To what extent is this style of management effective?
Are there better ways of encouraging employess to work hard?
In many companies, workers are rewarded bonus by their employers after working efficiently. There are those who argue that this pratice leads to a bad influence being caused on other employees.{this sentence is awkward and wordy - try "... this practice has a bad influence on the other employees"} In this essay, I shall explore both sides of this controversial issue and give another method to encourage workers.
It is clear that giving people extra money is one of the most effective ways to encourage them to work because money is the biggest motivation when working.{"... motivation for employees" sounds better} For example, [if] workers are given more tasks or special tasks to finish and their bosses do not reward them anything {"reward them with anything" or better, just "reward them"}, they will feel that it is worthless and they are wasting of[their] time doing those jobs. Consequently, they will do their works[work] in a reluctant way. {"... do their work more reluctantly." sounds better}
On the other hand, though it is true that the development of personal finance{"development of personal finance" doesn't make sense to me - "personal finance" is how people manage their bills, bank accounts and investments} (What I mean by this is to earn more money) motivate[s ] employees to work, we should bear in mind that other people will be jealous when they see their colleagues getting more money than they do.
{... though it is true that rewarding them with financial incentives motivates ...}
For instance, when a person is given [a] bonus after [an] exceptional contribution, a lot of co-workers think that if they were permitted to do the task, they could be able to work better.{do you mean "... they could have done the work better." ?}(Yeah, that is what I mean)
{ ... lot of co-workers think that if they had been permitted to do the task instead, they could have done the work better. }
As a result, they will prevent that person from working next time at any cost.
From my point of view, a more effective way to make employees work hard is for the employers to allow them to spend more time on holiday than others. A good example of this is VILEXIM, where workers’ vacation will be increased by one week if they complete their jobs effectively. Therefore, people will feel relaxed and others are also not uncomfortable about that.{this sentence is unclear to me} (I mean this method is good for the outstanding person, and it is also OK for the other workers)
{With this method, the exceptional worker will feel justly rewarded, while his co-workers will have no hurt feelings.} or probably better in active voice: {This method justly rewards the exceptional workers, while minimizing the hurt feelings of those not receiving the benefit.}
To conclude, in my opinion, rewarding bonus[es ] for members of staff who work efficiently is an effective way,{you have to say an effective way to what? or just say "... is effective"} but it occasionally makes other people jealous. A good idea is for the company to give their decent[outstanding] {I would think all the workers are "decent" or they would be fired} workers more day-offs[days off], so no one will be harsh[upset] with this decision.
TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday? |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #5 (permalink) Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:37 am Please check my essay! Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| That was great! Thank you very much! |
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Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 50
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| please check my essay | Please can you review my essay about education Thanks a lot |
