 #2 (permalink) Sun Jan 08, 2012 14:58 pm Re: please check my essay |
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Hi Krexma, another good essay. You still have a few preposition and article mistakes, but much fewer than the last essay I saw. I really like your introduction - your overall structure is excellent.
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If you won the lottery, what are the most important things you would do with your money? Defend your choices with examples.
It[There] is not[no] doubt that people strive to be happy in their life[lives]. Money gives this opportunity, therefore many people dream about winning in a lottery. This essay will explore the ways I would spend money in case of luck[I was lucky enough] to be winner.
The appeal of the lottery win is the fantasy that all of your dreams can come true instantly. Most of people do not really want the money but they want what the money represents to us: freedom, no worries, the ability to buy what we want and help to other people and our family.{"help other people ... "or "give help to other people..."} If I won the lottery, I would first make a plan [for] how to use them[the winnings] with the best outcome for me.
First, most people who win the lottery lose all of it[the money]{it sounded like it referred to the lottery} in some time .Therefore , I would take more than half of [the] amount and invest it in business in order to have [a] guarantee of having money in the future.
Second, I would spend [some of the] money to improve the health of my parents. My mother has chronic disease[s ] such as asthma. The treatment demands high expenses. Thus, the win in the lottery would provide the opportunity to consult with the best professionals. Moreover, new therapeutic techniques and drugs would become available due to [my] win.
Third, the rest of the money I would spend on my personal trivial needs like new cars,{this needs to be a semicolon to connect two complete sentences} [a] house and some electronics would certainly be on my list. However, I will{use "would" to match rest of the paragraph} remember that the key is to set a budget for these purchases. Additionally, I like traveling, so I would arrange [a] family cruise around the world.
To sum up, to win the lottery is a fantastic dream and if I success{"have success" or better, "succeed"} in this I will be happy. Moreover I would use this chance to be financial[ly] secured in my life. Additionally, I would afford to myself all things that usual[are] necessary to[for] comfortable living.
TOEFL listening discussions: Why did the professor ask to see the student? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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