 #2 (permalink) Sun Jan 08, 2012 15:33 pm Re: College students should be encouraged to pursue subjects that interest them |
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Hi, I am not an English teacher, but as a native English speaker, I have made some suggestions for your essay. I think you have done a good job. Your grammar and vocabulary are quite good. I think it is a little short, but I realize you will be under a time constraint. I think you definitely need a conclusion though, or they will give you a lower grade.
| Wal615 wrote: |
College students should be encouraged to pursue subjects that interest them rather than the courses that seem most likely to lead to jobs
I concede {concede to me implies surrender - you don't want to agree, but because of the evidence you are forced to - I think "I agree" works better here} that the educators should encourage the[their] college students to learn{"study" would sound better here} what they are interested in, which could make the process of learning effective and {allow the} students would {I changed this to make the two phrases more parallel} learn more about the knowledge{content would be better here} of [their] class[es].
Firstly, there is no doubt that students would[will - to match present tense of rest of sentence] be[have] more initiative {can only have initiative, not be initiative - you could say "be more motivated and happier"} and [be more] happy when they are learning what they are interested [in] or {... learning what interests them"}, which encourages them [to] pay more attention on {"to" or "in" would be better here} the class. When I was in college, although I spent little time on {on is correct here though} [the] computer course which I was interested in, I could absorb all [the] information in the class. But in other classes which were not attractive {to me attractive implies physical attraction to a person - I would try "which did not hold an attraction to me such as ..." or "did not hold my interest, such as ..." to me such as English, it was hard to get an improvement. The feeling of boring[boredom] always distracted me from the class.
the {cap} second reason is that when students learn course[s ] which they are interested in, they will pay more attention to the knowledge itself than how to use it to find a job. Therefore, what they learn is not only surface information but also the way of thinking. For example, when I have learn[took] the computer course, I have learnt[learned - past tense works better here] not only how to use the computer but also the way how it works, dealing with the data and digital information, which lead to a logical thinking process. Without the interesting[my interest in the course], what I learn[ed] might be only the basic knowledge like moving the mouse to start a program.
TOEFL listening discussions: How long has the young man been drinking alcohol? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:27 am Re: College students should be encouraged to pursue subjects that interest them |
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| Hi, thank you for your revising! I really appreciate it! because you not only show me my mistakes in my composition, but also give me your reasons and corrections. it must take you much time. And thank you for your time. |
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Wal615
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 07 Mar 2011
Posts: 51
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