| This is my paragraph waiting for you guys to correct it | Check my game description |
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 #1 (permalink) Tue Jan 10, 2012 17:32 pm please check my essay |
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Today there are many movies about super heroes. If you could be a super hero, what special powers would you have and why.
Nowadays people like to watch films where the main character is a super hero. Even some people, especially children follow suit their favorite heroes. If I had a chance to be a super hero I would like to see myself kind, in perfect physical shape and smart. This essay will explain my point of view.
First, a super hero is a positive character which has a purpose to help people in their difficult situations. Moreover, it is expected from a hero to take care of people problems and to fight crime without consideration of personal profit or reward. Therefore, I would be kind in order to provide unselfish help.
Second, there are some functions which only a super hero could perform owing to superhuman strength. For example, ability to fly, enhanced senses are necessary features of a hero. Similarly to movies heroes I could jump from one high raised building to other to rescue people which suffer from fair.
Third, I would prefer to have terrific mind similar to computer in order to keep process huge amount of information. Even though this feature is not mentioned very often in the movies, I believe that a super hero should be perfect in all areas.
To sum up, super heroes have superhuman abilities which allow them even without special weapons to be willing to rescue their own safety to service other people. As far as I am concerned, the main features which I would have to have are kindness, extraordinary physical shape and mental ability to perform actions that would be expected from a super hero.
TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student need money? |
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 Krexma
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Posts: 46
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| #2 (permalink) Wed Jan 11, 2012 15:44 pm Re: please check my essay |
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Hi, you have written another great essay. Still a few article problems, but not that bad. I am not a TOEFL grader, but based on these criteria: http://www.ets.org/toefl/pbt/scores/writing_score_guide/ I would say your essay is a 4.5/6. If you corrected that one sentence that I couldn't understand, I would change it to a 5/6
| Krexma wrote: |
Today there are many movies about super heroes. If you could be a super hero, what special powers would you have and why.
Nowadays people like to watch films where the main character is a super hero. Even some people, especially children [even] [closely] follow suit their favorite heroes. If I had a chance to be a super hero I would like to see myself [as one who was] kind, in perfect physical shape and smart. This essay will explain my point of view. {I would try to make these qualities sound a little more "super"}
First, a super hero is a positive character which has a purpose to help [whose purpose is helping] people in their difficult situations. Moreover, it is expected from a hero to take care of people['s] problems and to fight crime without consideration of personal profit or reward. Therefore, I would be kind in order to provide unselfish help.
Second, there are some functions which only a super hero could perform owing to [their] superhuman strength. For example, [the] ability to fly [and] enhanced senses are necessary features of a hero. Similarly to movies heroes I could jump from one high raised[high-rise] building to other [another] to rescue people which suffer from fair. {I don't understand what "suffer from fair" means}
Third, I would prefer to have [a] terrific mind similar to [a] computer in order to keep [and] process huge amount of information. Even though this feature is not mentioned very often in the movies, I believe that a super hero should be perfect in all areas.
To sum up, super heroes have superhuman abilities which allow them even without special weapons to be willing to rescue[risk] their own safety to service{"service" isn't quite right - it implies fixing - I would say "assist" or "aid"} other people. As far as I am concerned, the main features which I would have to have are kindness, extraordinary physical shape and mental ability to perform actions that would be expected from a super hero.
TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student need money? |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Wed Jan 11, 2012 19:52 pm please check my essay |
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Thank you very much.
I am grateful to you for your help.
suffer from fire i wanted to write |
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Krexma
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Posts: 46
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| #4 (permalink) Wed Jan 11, 2012 20:21 pm please check my essay |
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| Krexma wrote: |
Thank you very much.
I am grateful to you for your help.
suffer from fire i wanted to write |
Ok, that makes more sense. Although "suffer from fire" would mean they are already burned and in pain. I think more suitable in this context would be "threatened by fire in a burning building" |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #5 (permalink) Wed Jan 11, 2012 20:31 pm please check my essay |
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Ok,
thank you. i see it makes difference |
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Krexma
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Posts: 46
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| #6 (permalink) Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:31 am please check my essay |
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Hi Krexma,
First of all I like your idea of writing an essay about being a super hero. Who haven't dreamed about it as a child? :)
I've read your essay. All things in question are marked either by a red font or an underline. The brackets after the marked things are my suggestions, but there's always a better way to explain :)
Hopefully, this is gonna help you!
| Quote: |
Today there are many movies about super heroes. If you could be a super hero, what special powers would you have and why.
Nowadays people like to watch films where the main character is a super hero. Even some people, especially children follow suit (word order/unneccessary word) their favorite heroes. If I had a chance to be a super hero I would like to see myself kind, in perfect physical shape and smart. This essay will explain my point of view.
First, a super hero is a positive character which has a purpose to help people in their (unneccessary word)difficult situations. Moreover, it is expected from a hero to take care of people’s (possessive 's) problems and to fight crime without consideration of personal profit or reward. Therefore, I would be kind in order to provide unselfish help.
Second, there are some functions which only a super hero could perform (for example) owing to superhuman strength. For example, ability to fly, enhanced senses are necessary features of a hero. Similarly to (the movie heroes), I could jump from one high raised (unneccessary word)building to another to rescue people which suffer from fair. (instead of fair maybe these expressions: are in danger or are in trouble)
Third, I would prefer to have terrific mind similar to (a) computer in order to keep (I think the word 'keep' isn't neccessary in here)process huge amount of information. Even though this feature is not mentioned very often in the movies, I believe that a super hero should be perfect in all areas.
To sum up, super heroes have superhuman abilities which allow them even without special weapons to be willing to rescue their own safety to service (I would prefer the gerund: serving) other people. As far as I am concerned, the main features which I would have to have are kindness, extraordinary physical shape and mental ability to perform actions that would be expected from a super hero.
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Torsten84
New Member
Joined: 28 Dec 2010
Posts: 7
Location: Germany
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| #7 (permalink) Fri Jan 13, 2012 13:39 pm thank you |
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| I prepare myself to MELAB exam, all topics for essay are personal opinion,not so easy to write.Thank you for your comments. |
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Krexma
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Posts: 46
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| This is my paragraph waiting for you guys to correct it | Check my game description |
