| My first essay about "to eat out or to eat at home" | please check my essay and give me a comment :D |
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 #1 (permalink) Sat Jan 14, 2012 16:12 pm Please check my essay,Thank you very much! |
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People who go outside are more successful and happier than people who live in villages.Do you agree or disagree?
Recently, people have shown an increased interest in going to big cities, looking for opportunities for jobs, trying to get high quality lives. Historically, going outside to cities has been considered as a different experience to broaden people’s horizons. However, far too little attention has been paid to neither the pressure nor the competition in big cities.
In my main opinion, conspicuously and ubiquitously, the chances for going to cities also bring individuals great pressures. In big cities, what attract them mostly are the high-salary works and good living conditions, but the inignorable thing is the effects they cause. It is widely known that the price of a house in Beijing, the capital of China, is out of control because of increasing people’s rushing into the city. In addition, it’s common for being pushed into a subway train by the strings of people and even be breathless in rush hours. It’s a dream to have a better life in cities for most of those who come to the places to find totally changed experience, however, it would never come true.
Secondly, it is undoubted that the competition in big cities is fiercer than that in villages. It goes without saying that more chances, more challenges. It’s hard for me to imagine that how people feel happy with heavy works and debts of house. I live in Beijing for several years as a student, but I still strongly shocked by the hardness of surviving in the city. The elites are everywhere and you can never relax yourself because it may cause you fired by your boss. You can always find people complaining about how much work they need to do and how short the vacations they have. With the scenery in the beautiful, frivolous and apathy city, would you still believe you could find success and happiness here?
Obviously, all the evidences confirm a conclusion that the best choice is to enjoy happy and success in your own hometowns. Therefore, my advice is getting far away from the dangerous cities and leaving from the worship of money. The truth is: Simple is the best.
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If you can give a score of it for me, I will be grateful!!
Thank you!!
TOEFL listening lectures: A university science lecture on Island Biogeography |
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Alinna_Yun
New Member
Joined: 07 Jan 2012
Posts: 9
Location: China
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| #2 (permalink) Sat Jan 14, 2012 22:06 pm Re: Please check my essay,Thank you very much! |
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Hi, This is a great essay. It is very well organized and persuasive. I think you may be overreaching a bit with some of your vocabulary, since it is not used quite correctly and therefore really grates on my ears. I am not a TOEFL grader, but based on these criteria:http://www.ets.org/toefl/pbt/scores/writing_score_guide/ I would give your essay a 5/6.
| Alinna_Yun wrote: |
People who go outside are more successful and happier than people who live in villages.Do you agree or disagree?
Recently, people have shown an increased interest in going to big cities, looking for opportunities for jobs, [and] trying to get high quality lives. Historically, going outside to cities {outside to cities is unclear - do you mean leaving the cities or going to the cities?} has been considered as a different{"unique" would be better here} experience to broaden people’s horizons. However, far too little attention has been paid to neither the pressure nor the competition in big cities. {I think this should be either/or - you are paying little attention, to both the pressure and the competition. Contrast to "Proper attention has been paid to neither the pressure nor the competition." Here, you are paying attention to neither one.}
In my main opinion{what do you mean by "main opinion?"}, conspicuously and ubiquitously, {these words don't really make sense here - you are saying " in my opinion, both obvious and widespread" This doesn't really seem right} the chances for going to cities also bring individuals great pressures. In big cities, what attract[s ] them mostly are the high-salary works[work] and good living conditions, but the inignorable{this is not a word} thing is the effects they cause. It is widely known that the price of a house in Beijing, the capital of China, is out of control because of increasing people’s rushing into the city. In addition, it’s common for being[to] pushed into a subway train by the strings[crowds] of people and even be breathless in rush hours. It’s a dream to have a better life in cities for most of those who come to the places to find totally changed experience, however, it would never come true. {This sentence sounds awkward}
Secondly, it is undoubted that the competition in big cities is fiercer than that in villages. It goes without saying that more chances, more challenges. It’s hard for me to imagine that how people feel happy with heavy works[workloads] and debts of house{"large mortgages" sounds better}. I live[have lived] in Beijing for several years as a student, but I [am] still strongly shocked by the hardness{"difficulty" would be better} of surviving in the city. The elites are everywhere and you can never relax yourself because it may cause you [to be] fired by your boss. You can always find people complaining about how much work they need to do and how short the vacations they have. With the scenery in the beautiful, frivolous and apathy[apathetic] city{this is a strange phrase - you are saying both good and bad things about the city and a city cannot really be "apathetic" - I think you may mean "uncaring" and "shallow" might be better for frivolous}, would you still believe you could find success and happiness here?
Obviously, all the evidences{"evidence" is never plural} confirm[s ] a conclusion that the best choice is to enjoy happy[happiness] and success in your own hometowns. Therefore, my advice is getting far away from the dangerous cities and leaving from the worship of money. The truth is: Simple is the best.
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If you can give a score of it for me, I will be grateful!!
Thank you!!
TOEFL listening lectures: A university science lecture on Island Biogeography |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:19 am Re: Please check my essay,Thank you very much! |
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| Luschen wrote: |
Hi, This is a great essay. It is very well organized and persuasive. I think you may be overreaching a bit with some of your vocabulary, since it is not used quite correctly and therefore really grates on my ears. I am not a TOEFL grader, but based on these criteria:http://www.ets.org/toefl/pbt/scores/writing_score_guide/ I would give your essay a 5/6.
| Alinna_Yun wrote: |
People who go outside are more successful and happier than people who live in villages.Do you agree or disagree?
Recently, people have shown an increased interest in going to big cities, looking for opportunities for jobs, [and] trying to get high quality lives. Historically, going outside to cities {outside to cities is unclear - do you mean leaving the cities or going to the cities?} has been considered as a different{"unique" would be better here} experience to broaden people’s horizons. However, far too little attention has been paid to neither the pressure nor the competition in big cities. {I think this should be either/or - you are paying little attention, to both the pressure and the competition. Contrast to "Proper attention has been paid to neither the pressure nor the competition." Here, you are paying attention to neither one.}
In my main opinion{what do you mean by "main opinion?"}, conspicuously and ubiquitously, {these words don't really make sense here - you are saying " in my opinion, both obvious and widespread" This doesn't really seem right} the chances for going to cities also bring individuals great pressures. In big cities, what attract[s ] them mostly are the high-salary works[work] and good living conditions, but the inignorable{this is not a word} thing is the effects they cause. It is widely known that the price of a house in Beijing, the capital of China, is out of control because of increasing people’s rushing into the city. In addition, it’s common for being[to] pushed into a subway train by the strings[crowds] of people and even be breathless in rush hours. It’s a dream to have a better life in cities for most of those who come to the places to find totally changed experience, however, it would never come true. {This sentence sounds awkward}
Secondly, it is undoubted that the competition in big cities is fiercer than that in villages. It goes without saying that more chances, more challenges. It’s hard for me to imagine that how people feel happy with heavy works[workloads] and debts of house{"large mortgages" sounds better}. I live[have lived] in Beijing for several years as a student, but I [am] still strongly shocked by the hardness{"difficulty" would be better} of surviving in the city. The elites are everywhere and you can never relax yourself because it may cause you [to be] fired by your boss. You can always find people complaining about how much work they need to do and how short the vacations they have. With the scenery in the beautiful, frivolous and apathy[apathetic] city{this is a strange phrase - you are saying both good and bad things about the city and a city cannot really be "apathetic" - I think you may mean "uncaring" and "shallow" might be better for frivolous}, would you still believe you could find success and happiness here?
Obviously, all the evidences{"evidence" is never plural} confirm[s ] a conclusion that the best choice is to enjoy happy[happiness] and success in your own hometowns. Therefore, my advice is getting far away from the dangerous cities and leaving from the worship of money. The truth is: Simple is the best.
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If you can give a score of it for me, I will be grateful!!
Thank you!!
TOEFL listening lectures: A university science lecture on Island Biogeography |
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In big cities, what attract[s ] them mostly are the high-salary works[work] and good living conditions
I think what is referring plural noun so no need of "s" with attract. Am I correct Luschen?
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I am new in this website. I want to gatherer some knowledge that's why I have joined in this website. |
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Duet062010
I'm here quite often ;-)
Joined: 06 Jul 2011
Posts: 294
Location: Dhaka, Bangladesh
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| #4 (permalink) Sat Jan 21, 2012 13:41 pm Re: Please check my essay,Thank you very much! |
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Hi Duet and Yun,
Yes, I messed up on that one. Sorry, you are absolutely correct. |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #5 (permalink) Sat Jan 21, 2012 14:06 pm Re: Please check my essay,Thank you very much! |
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"In my main opinion, conspicuously and ubiquitously" this one, I think I understand your thought! I couldn't use both of it~maybe it's better to say"It is conspicuous and ubiquitous that..."
Thank you for your help!I'm sorry for replying late!TAT |
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Alinna_Yun
New Member
Joined: 07 Jan 2012
Posts: 9
Location: China
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| #6 (permalink) Sat Jan 21, 2012 14:28 pm Re: Please check my essay,Thank you very much! |
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Yes, it makes more sense that way:
"In my opinion, it is both conspicuous and ubiquitous that the chance to move to cities also brings individuals great pressures." |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| My first essay about "to eat out or to eat at home" | please check my essay and give me a comment :D |
