 #2 (permalink) Tue Jan 17, 2012 5:18 am Re: Integrated task |
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Hi, I think you have done a very good job. Just a few grammatical errors and wrong word choices. I have been pretty "picky" with my corrections because your essay was already so good to begin with.
| Apple0 wrote: |
Please check this and correct me. I will really appreciate it.
Reading passage:
AIDS is a disease that has killed millions of people all over the world. Most of the cases of AIDS in the world are in poorer countries where the people can’t afford to buy the drugs that would help keep them alive and healthy. Many AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs) are trying to help the people in these developing countries get the health care they need to fight AIDS. AAGs are doing this in several ways.
First of all, they argue that the profits of these companies are too high and such high pricing is immoral in the face of such a devastating disease. AAGs believe that major drug companies should sell their AIDS medicines at a much lower cost so that AIDS patients who have very little money would not have to choose between buying their food or their medication.
Second, AAGs are trying to get governments to pay for AIDS drugs instead of individual people. In general, when buying in large quantities, the price goes down. Therefore, if a government bought enough medication for all the AIDS patients in its country, then the price per bottle of medication would be much lower than the price individuals currently pay when buying medication on their own.
Third, AAGs are beginning to encourage poor countries to make their own cheap versions of AIDS drugs, even though it is illegal to do so. If the drugs were made in the same country, this would not only reduce shipping costs, but it would also give many people jobs in these poorer countries.
The listening part is from this website:
http://strictlyenglishusa.com/free-toefl-exercises/writing-materials/integrated-essay/intwrlive
My response:
The author and the professor are talking about the life threatening disease AIDS which is more common in the poor countries. People belonging to the{ok, but "people living in developing ..." sounds better} developing countries find it hard enough {you use hard enough when you add an additional circumstance - like "find it hard enough just to survive, without also having to buy expensive drugs"} to buy the drugs to cope with this disease. To help these ailing people many AIDS Advocacy Groups(AAGs) are working hard so that these poor people can easily access the health benefits against {"health benefits" usually are positive effects due to a lifestyle, like eating healthy foods - I don't think it really works in this sentence. I would say "... access the effective treatments for this disease"} this disease. Both the author and the professor hold different opinion {differing opinions} regarding different {"the various" sounds better} issues being discussed in the reading passage and the lecture.
To begin with, the author claims that the interests {"interests" is not a synonym of profits} of the drug companies are so high that a poor man{"person" is preferred - what about women?} cannot afford the medication so the AAGs suggests that these companies must decrease their prices so that everyone can afford the medicine. On the other hand, the professor refutes the[this] idea by saying that if the companies reduce their price they cannot make enough profit. Moreover{Moreover means "in addition" I think "Subsequently" or "Then" would work better here}, if the profit is less, there will be less development in the field of medicine and no innovation in the drug industry will be possible.
Secondly, according to the author, AAGs suggests that Government[s ] of these poor countries should rather purchase the drugs [rather] than the people and sell them at lower rate[s ]{rate is usually used only as a price for services or rentals, not for goods}. Because it is obvious that when something is bought in a bulk quantity, it is often sold by the merchant at lower cost. On contrary[In contrast], the professor argues that the governments of the under developing {it should be "under developed" or "developing"} countries are also poor so how can they afford these drugs and make them available for the ailing community? So it is equally difficult for the governments as well to buy these expensive drugs and sell them in the market at decreased rate[s ].
Thirdly, the authors describes that AAGs is[are] persuading these poor countries to make the local versions of these drugs. Though it is illegal but {use "though" or "but", not both in this sentence}accompanies some benefits, for example, it reduces the shipping cost and opens job opportunities for the local people. However, the professor shows some downsides of this fact[option]. He says that manufacturing the local version of the AIDs drugs is considered stealing and is full of perils. Moreover, manufactures {sp} can use the cheap ingredients to market [make - "market" means to sell] the drug product and that can be lethal for the ultimate consumer which is [the] patient. So it is not safe for the suffering people.
TOEFL listening lectures: What does the professor say about utopian socialists? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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