Ok, this is my very first essay. Could you review it please?

[m@zzi]

Hi all, this is my very first essay. I'm quite satisfied with the reasons -I think the topic was preatty easy-. However, I'm sure I've made a lot of structure mistakes.

Thank you very much.

Smoking should not be permitted in restaurants, and state laws that prohibit it should be upheld.

Personally, I agree with the idea of banning smoking in restaurants by state laws. For me, this would have benefits like the establishment of a healthier environment; a better condition to enjoy the food; and a beginning effort to reduce the number of cigarettes smoked in a country.

To begin with, prohibiting smoking in these areas would be healthier. This seems obvious, as one can think at no-smokers that constantly have to passively absorb the poisoned smoke. While this reason could be rejected by some people who could say that passive smoke is not such a big problem, I think the majority of people would agree that prohibiting it would be extremely healthier for kids, whose bodies are not adults-like and generally suffer more the passive effect of smoking. For example, in Italy, my country, about 5 years ago was upheld a state law that forbids smoking in all closed activities, like restaurants, clubs and pubs. From my own perspective this has absolutely increased the quality of our life, both for not-smokers –like me- and smokers. I n addition to that fathers and mothers don’t have to worry no more to go to restaurants with their little children for the smoke.

In addition to the issue of creating a healthier place, I think that banning smoking in closed areas would help enjoying more the food. Smoking with its intense taste can ruin the joy of eating a delicious meal. Of course, in some cases, people – especially smokers- don’t mind to eat, let’s say, a pizza in a smoking environment. However, I think that a majority of people likes to enjoy pizza in a clean air environment and doesn’t like to eat “smoked” pizza. For example, when I was a child I used to go in the same pizzeria all Saturdays and, since it was permitted to smoke inside the restaurant, I really hated the pizza cooked there, even if it was not terrible at all! Without doubt it was the surrounding, always present, smoke originated from my closest tables that was affecting me.

Finally, in combination with a more salubrious surrounding and an improved delight for the food itself, I feel that prohibiting smoking in restaurants could be the beginning of a reduction of the quantity of cigarettes smoked by smokers. After all, smokers usually have their cigarettes after a meal. If a state law prohibits smoking in restaurants, then smokers would have to stand up, go out the restaurant and smoke. This certainly can happen, but some people are definitely lazy and I believe they would renounce to their cigarette or postponing it at the end of the evening. In my own experience, I know a lot of my smoker friends that had dramatically reduced the number of smoked cigarettes per day after that Italian law was upheld. This could be a great goal for every country, since the damages caused by smoking are known all around the world.

In considering the suggestion of prohibiting smoking in restaurants by a state law, I have explored consequences such as the creation of a healthier environment; the possibility of improving the pleasure of eating; and a possible improvement to reduce the number of smokers in a country. These factors lead me to agree with the idea of forbidding smoking in restaurants .

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an Art History class

[Luschen]

Hi, I think you have written an excellent essay. Just a few grammatical errors and a couple phrases which I think could be improved. Your introduction is also a little weak. The introduction should start with a general statement, then get more and more specific until you end with your thesis statement. Your thesis statement itself is quite good though. Another possibility is to very briefly examine the other side's arguments, then state that nevertheless, you prefer your side.

[m@zzi]

Thank you very much for your response, I really appreciate it!

Just one thing: in the third body paragraph you say that a phrase is unclear, but I don't understand why. I mean, I don't understand if it's the meaning that's unclear, or what else.

Could you also say what grade should I get for an essay like this?
I need 24 in the writing section and I would like to know my present level.

Thank you so much

[Luschen]

This certainly can happen, but some people are definitely lazy and I believe they would renounce to their cigarette or postponing it at the end of the evening.

"renounce to their cigarette" is wrong. You could "renounce smoking" which would mean giving up smoking forever. And you don't postpone at, you postpone until.

You could rewrite it: "This certainly can happen, but some people are definitely lazy and I believe they would forgo their cigarette or postpone it until the end of the evening."

I am not a TOEFL grader, but I have studied these criteria: http://www.ets.org/toefl/pbt/scores/writing_score_guide/. I think with a better introduction, this would score a 5 and if you can eliminate most of the grammatical errors, you could get a 6, since the structure, organization, and vocabulary are very good.

[m@zzi]

thank you again for your corrections.

However, I'm gonna take the Ibt version of the test that follow this scores:

http://www.ets.org/Media/Tests/TOEFL/pdf/Writing_Rubrics.pdf

Could you give me a grade based on this one please?

[Luschen]

I think I would have to give it a 4, mainly based of the fourth criterion - the minor word and usage errors. I think you are only a few minor corrections away from a 5 though.

[m@zzi]