#2 (permalink) Thu Jan 19, 2012 17:16 pm Re: please check my essay |
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| Krexma wrote: |
There is no doubt that riding a bicycle is [can be] an appropriate replacement [alternative] to an automobile in special [some particular] cases. However, some people are convinced that bicycles could lead to (the) road accidents. Personally, I believe that bicycles should be used for movement for short distance (in cases) such as (a) work and recreation needs.
First, use of bicycles on a road [using bicycles] is justified when people going to (the) nearest [near] places (and they can afford to themselves riding the bicycles). For example, riding a bicycle when going to a store or friends’ house could be [a] good opportunity [way] to save money. (Even without bicycles people reach these places, however, the bicycle makes it more convenient. I think this sentence plays no role)
Second, many people work rather [quite] close to home [their house]. Thus, if working condition allow to come to work riding bicycles people should attempt to use ones in order to keep our environment clean. (you may consider my sentence: thus, it’s a good idea for those people to ride to work, as they can save our environment being clean at the same time.)
Nevertheless, that [because] bicycling is appropriate replacement to driving a car sometimes it could lead to a road accident .For instance, if a person does not have necessary experience riding bicycles it would be better to him to ride on a side walk and not on the road with traffic load. Additionally, some precautions should be taken to ensure perfect seeing of a riding person. (sentences in this paragraph seems to lack coherence, I think.)
To sum up, riding bicycles can be [a] great replacement to car trips [driving cars], [and it can help us] (for opportunity to) save money, keep our environment unpolluted and moreover maintain personal health. However, measures as careful riding and putting should be taken in order to prevent [avoid] road accidents.
TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an arts class |
Hi, you did pretty well, I think. However, you may need spend more time on the ideas, and argument, because I'm not convinced after reading your essay. Above is my try on your essay. However, I'd like to see other people checking your essay, and giving feedback. I hope it helps. |
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Joined: 07 Nov 2010 Posts: 80
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