 #2 (permalink) Fri Jan 20, 2012 21:19 pm Re: please check my essay about childhood is the happiest time of life. |
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Hi, I think this essay is better than your previous one, except for the conclusion which I did not care for. I wrote a revised conclusion which I think is better to give you an idea of what I mean.
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I have to write a lot of essays for my exam on next Tuesday, so i sent these.
thank you very much for checking.
this website is perfect in terms of checking our essay.
Argumentative essay: childhood is the happiest time of life.
People have more responsibilities by getting too old. {This sounds awkward - try "People have more and more responsibilities as they get older"} They have to earn money for sustaining {ok, but "money to sustain their ..." sounds better} their lives. For this, they [must] have a job and they also have [a] more complex social environment. {I don't really understand the "more complex social environment"} For adults, all of these are neccessary elements which enable people to maintain their lives. Therefore, childhood which does not consist of[require] these obligations of [a] complex life[style] is certainly the happiest time of life.
Firstly, childhood is a flexible period when people do not have any materialistic worries and[or] various responsibilities such as having a job [or] getting married.Generally children spend their time by doing the wide range of activities they want and they do not worry about their future because all these responsibilities are considered[taken on] by their family instead of children. Therefore, childhood is [a] quite flexible and enjoyable period.
On the other hand, some people advocate that childhood is not the happiest time of people's life[lives] because childhood is a term[time in] which children completely depend on their families. They believe that children are dependent on their parents in social and economical life. {I would think everyone believes this is true} For [a] supporter of this view, these dependeces {spelling} on family cause children to tend to be unhappy, because they can not earn money and they can not have a say about their future. {I would add "I think" here} These claims carry no weight because children do not have any[much] experiences about[with] life, so social and economical dependence on parents is [a] quite normal process for children and it[thus] should not be seen as the source of unhappiness.
To sum up, childhood is one of the most enjoyable life periods for people. This process {I usually don't consider childhood a "process" - maybe "This process of growing up"} should not be considered as only dependence on parents. After all, children will have some difficult responsibilities such as university life, businees life and marriage life in the time when they are adults, so childhood is the happiest period of life for humanity.
{This whole conclusion does not sound very natural to me - I would rewrite it: "To sum up, childhood is the most enjoyable time of life for most people. The idea that children are dependent on their parents should not diminish this fact. After all, children will all too soon be saddled with the difficult responsibilities of adulthood, such as going to university, getting a job, and finding a spouse; so we should cherish the joys of childhood."}
TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor in the College of Fine Arts |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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