could you rate my toefl® essay? thanks a lot!

[Mofan522]

all young adult should be require to do some sort of nation service for their country- for example service or community service.
in our country, as a major male , the military service is obligatory and we are all encourage to involve the community service. in my experience, the social service not only influence us during the activities , but also make a significant impact in our life. however , attending in nation service for the country should not become a obligatory requirement including all the young adult.
First of all , the government should let the young adults chose themselves. this liberty is necessary, because each person have their own plan for life and study: one could attend the national service in any time when he/she want, .we can possess different schedule to involve this service. For instance, when I was young adult in age of 18 , I preferred to continue my study in university. when I got my bachelor last year, I decided to involve the community service in one year before my undergraduate study . during this time , as a volunteer, I teacher the music and mathematic in the poorest region of my country. with my bachelor degree, the wide knowledge make me able to accomplish this vocation.
after that, the activity should not limited as the national service. there are a large number of misery in our country . however, our vision should be placed world wildly. there are also a big part of the world suffer the famine, the epidemic and the climate disaster. in my country’s television, I can hardly find the international association’s charity advertisement , such as : unicef , the red cross etc. one can not only take his or her own land as the first consideration. although , this behavior can not be determine as selfish or nationalism, we lose our sprite of fraternity. the nation and the world are both our duty.
in conclusion, the national service demonstrate obviously its advantages to improve our community and to establish a common sense of nation, but the government should not only take concern of particular circumstance and different cases , but also generalize the idea of a social service , because we are all members of global village.

TOEFL listening lectures: Which characteristic of Ireland does the professor utilize in his lecture?

[Luschen]

Hi, your writing is ok, but please remember to capitalize the first word of each sentence - this error made your essay quite hard for me to read. I also felt you did not really address the essay prompt properly. Your first paragraph states that citizens should be able to choose WHEN to do service, not WHETHER to do it. Then your second paragraph says that international service should be allowed instead of national service. To me, the whole question is whether service of any kind should be mandatory. Because of this, as well as your grammar and punctuation mistakes, I would give this essay a 3/6 based on these grading criteria: http://www.ets.org/toefl/pbt/scores/writing_score_guide/. I think your writing is good enough for a 4/6 if you can address the question properly and correct your punctuation. Keep in mind, I am not an official TOEFL grader, this is just my opinion.