Please check my TOEFL®® essay please! Thank you!

[Boraqq]

**. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

People have a lot of hobies. Some people prefer attending live performances and the others prefer to watch these events on TV. Actually, both of them can be enjoyable. Also every person shows different kinds of features. Some people can find boring live performance and they prefer to watch these events on TV, the others can find exciting these live performance and they attend these events.

First of all, attending some events or watching some events can satify to people. Some people want to lie sofa and drink beer when they watch a sport events. Actually it sounds good for resting. However some people want to attend live performance and they want to support their team. Therefore people can be discharge and they feel relaxed.

Secondly, attending concert is always enjoyful. Because people can see their admired singer or artist. It is a big chance to see their admired singer or artist. Maybe people can not have chances to see them. Because some singer or artist go some country only one time. For instance, Evanescence came my country 5 years ago. Finding a ticket is a big chance for me because it was so expensive and rare.
But I attended this concert and I was very exciting

Last but not least is attending a live perrofmance is more enjoyful and exciting than watching these events. Moreover when people attend some live events, they can feel them in match. In addition, live events atmospheres are very different and every events are exciting

To sum up, attending a live performance is more exciting and enjoyful everytime. Because people can see every detail with naked eyes and it is more satisfying. I usually prefer to attend a live performance if I have a time .

I know that is not enough for taking a good score for TOEFL. How can I improve this subject?

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture on Animal Behavior by a professor of Biology

[Luschen]

Hi, your introduction started off well, but your thesis is not strong enough. You need to pick one side of the argument and focus on that. You need to pick one side or the other and each paragraph should cover one of your reasons. Include very brief summaries of your main reasons in your thesis statement. Your reasons could be: 1. Watching a live event can relieve stress by cheering for your team among all the other fans. 2. Watching a live event gives you a chance to see a singer or artist who may never visit your country again. 3. Watching a live event lets you experience the unique atmosphere and see details which would be missed on television. Then your thesis statement could be "The sense of community, the chance for a once in a lifetime experience, and the unique atmosphere all make watching an event in person far superior to watching it on television." Your essay was also a little too repetitive. Try to come up with more examples rather than just repeating yourself. Finally, try to read and study more English to increase your vocabulary. It is hard to write a good essay without a large vocabulary of words you can use.