Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU

[Edward_Rolandohmygod]

Topic:

‘Failure is proof that desire wasn’t strong enough.’

To what extend do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer.

Since the beginning of time, the interest have played an important role of success. There are those who claim ‘Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough’. However, this idea is totally not convinced me because there are some other elements likely affect the result, such as ability, experience and lucky.

First of all, despite claims that the weak desire makes humans not try their best, it is a fact that if people do not have the ability in a thing, they will easily be frustrated and quit it. For example, students who do not possess enough ability to learn English will feel that no matter how they tru, they still impossibly be good at this language. Consequently, they will no longer be interested in English and give up.

Furthermore, though it is true that people have to spend a lot of time working in order to be successful, we should bear in ming that young people usually fail because of the lack of work experience. For instance, a teenager use a large amount of time to work in a particular area, but he is too young to get enough job experience. As a result, he will easily be unsuccessful in his work.

Finally, it cannot be denied that lucky is one of the main parts which people need in lives. A good example of unlucky failure is English national football team, which was eliminated in World Cup 2010 quarter-final while the referee did not swallow their goal. This leads to their dream of world football champion not to come true.

To conclude, the strong desire is even the biggest element of success, but not the only one. In contrast, there are many other important things which relate to people’s failure or flourish, like talent, experience and lucky.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a history class

[Luschen]

Hi, Nice essay, just a few mistakes. I hope my comments are helpful.

[Edward_Rolandohmygod]

Hi Luschen, thank you so much for your help! I got some problems here.
I think that the word "'swallow' a goal" in football means accept a goal. I am now playing a game called "Football manager" and they use that word in this game, Could you check it again?
The sentence: "For instance, a teenager uses a large amount of time to work in a particular area, but he is too young to get enough job experience."
What I mean by this is no matter how a teenager try, they cannot gain enough job experience like adults, so they have to try more. Can you help me to find the best way to express it?

[Luschen]

[Edward_Rolandohmygod]

I said "teenager", but I mean "young people". Young people are always lack of job experience, right?

[Luschen]

Yes, but I was unsure whether they lack experience because they cannot get a job, or they lack experience because the jobs they get are not very good.

[Edward_Rolandohmygod]

They lack experience because they are too young. Even though they can get a job, the age still makes them lack experience. Does this make sense to you?

[Luschen]

OK, that makes more sense to me now - thanks!