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Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU



 
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Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #1 (permalink) Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:41 am   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

Topic:

‘Failure is proof that desire wasn’t strong enough.’

To what extend do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer.

Since the beginning of time, the interest have played an important role of success. There are those who claim ‘Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough’. However, this idea is totally not convinced me because there are some other elements likely affect the result, such as ability, experience and lucky.

First of all, despite claims that the weak desire makes humans not try their best, it is a fact that if people do not have the ability in a thing, they will easily be frustrated and quit it. For example, students who do not possess enough ability to learn English will feel that no matter how they tru, they still impossibly be good at this language. Consequently, they will no longer be interested in English and give up.

Furthermore, though it is true that people have to spend a lot of time working in order to be successful, we should bear in ming that young people usually fail because of the lack of work experience. For instance, a teenager use a large amount of time to work in a particular area, but he is too young to get enough job experience. As a result, he will easily be unsuccessful in his work.

Finally, it cannot be denied that lucky is one of the main parts which people need in lives. A good example of unlucky failure is English national football team, which was eliminated in World Cup 2010 quarter-final while the referee did not swallow their goal. This leads to their dream of world football champion not to come true.

To conclude, the strong desire is even the biggest element of success, but not the only one. In contrast, there are many other important things which relate to people’s failure or flourish, like talent, experience and lucky.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a history class
Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 54

Re: Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #2 (permalink) Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:49 am   Re: Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

Hi, Nice essay, just a few mistakes. I hope my comments are helpful.

Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote:
Topic:

‘Failure is proof that desire wasn’t strong enough.’

To what extend do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer.

Since the beginning of time, the interest have[a high level of interest has] played an important role of[in] success. There are those who claim ‘Failure is proof that the desire wasn’t strong enough’. However, this idea is totally not [totally] convinced[convincing to] me because there are some other elements [also] likely affect the result, such as ability, experience and lucky. {this introduction is ok, but I prefer those that are more creative and less "cookie cutter".}

First of all, despite claims that the weak desire makes humans not try their best, it is a fact that if people do not have the[great] ability in a [some]thing, they will easily be frustrated and quit it. For example, students who do not possess enough ability to learn English will feel that no matter how they tru, they still impossibly[ it is impossible for them to] be good at this language. Consequently, they will no longer be interested in English and give up.

Furthermore, though it is true that people have to spend a lot of time working in order to be successful, we should bear in ming{spelling} that young people usually fail because of the[ir] lack of work experience. For instance, a teenager use[s ] a large amount of time to work in a particular area, but he is too young to get enough job experience. {I don't understand what you are trying to say in this sentence} As a result, he will easily be unsuccessful in his work.

Finally, it cannot be denied that lucky[luck] is one of the main parts[keys to success] which people need in [their] lives. A good example of unlucky failure is English national football team, which was eliminated in World Cup 2010 quarter-final while [when] the referee did not swallow[allow] their goal. This leads[led] to their dream of world football champion not to come[coming] true.

To conclude, the strong desire is even the biggest[a big] element of success, but not the only one. In contrast, there are many other important things which relate to people’s failure or flourish{flourish is not a synonym of success - try "triumph" or "fortune"}, like talent, experience and lucky{"luck" - lucky is an adjective, not a noun}.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a history class
Luschen
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Joined: 08 Apr 2011
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Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #3 (permalink) Wed Jan 25, 2012 10:33 am   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

Hi Luschen, thank you so much for your help! I got some problems here.
I think that the word "'swallow' a goal" in football means accept a goal. I am now playing a game called "Football manager" and they use that word in this game, Could you check it again?
The sentence: "For instance, a teenager uses a large amount of time to work in a particular area, but he is too young to get enough job experience."
What I mean by this is no matter how a teenager try, they cannot gain enough job experience like adults, so they have to try more. Can you help me to find the best way to express it?
Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 54

Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #4 (permalink) Wed Jan 25, 2012 14:30 pm   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote:
Hi Luschen, thank you so much for your help! I got some problems here.
I think that the word "'swallow' a goal" in football means accept a goal. I am now playing a game called "Football manager" and they use that word in this game, Could you check it again?
The sentence: "For instance, a teenager uses a large amount of time to work in a particular area, but he is too young to get enough job experience."
What I mean by this is no matter how a teenager try, they cannot gain enough job experience like adults, so they have to try more. Can you help me to find the best way to express it?


Sorry, maybe "swallow a goal" is a British or European football term I am not familiar with. I did do a google search and I could not find any references for it. I have heard the term "the referee swallowed his whistle", meaning he didn't blow it for a penalty.

For the teenager sentences, do you mean that the teenager must spend a lot of time looking for a job, but never gets hired or do you mean the teenager works at a low-skilled job and never gets promoted to a better job?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6528
Location: Nashville TN, USA

Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #5 (permalink) Wed Jan 25, 2012 15:54 pm   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

I said "teenager", but I mean "young people". Young people are always lack of job experience, right?
Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 54

Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #6 (permalink) Wed Jan 25, 2012 16:01 pm   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

Yes, but I was unsure whether they lack experience because they cannot get a job, or they lack experience because the jobs they get are not very good.
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6528
Location: Nashville TN, USA

Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #7 (permalink) Thu Jan 26, 2012 7:30 am   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

They lack experience because they are too young. Even though they can get a job, the age still makes them lack experience. Does this make sense to you?
Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net


Joined: 28 Oct 2011
Posts: 54

Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU #8 (permalink) Thu Jan 26, 2012 13:49 pm   Prepare for IELTS exam. Please check my essay!!!!!!!!!!THANK YOU
 

OK, that makes more sense to me now - thanks!
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6528
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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