 #2 (permalink) Sat Jan 28, 2012 0:36 am Re: Hello! Can someone correct my essay? |
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Hi, I like your structure and organization. Try to increase your vocabulary a little bit and use a few more "fancy words".
| Nayara wrote: |
Most people think that young people enjoy life more than older people. However, I believe it[this] is not true. Personally, for a couple[several] of reason[s ], the elders enjoy [life] more. I feel this [way], because the [older] people older have more free time, money and more experience. {this thesis sentence is ok, but your introduction is too repetitive.}
In my view, the elders have more time to do what they want. They generally are resign[retired] or don't have to work so much than[as much as] the[those] youngers [younger]. Thus they don't have many responsibilities and don't have a so busy [a] schedule to carry out. On the other hand, the teenagers and adults have to study, work, take care of their children, etc.{say "and so on" instead of etc.} For instance, I would like [to] travel in the next summer, but I have to do[complete] some classes to graduate on time.
A second reason for me believe[my belief] that older people enjoy more is that they have more money. They could [have] save[d ] up some money during this[their] life. In addition, their expenses aren't so bigger [any] longer, because in most of the cases, the aging[aged] live alone or with the wife/husband. The son/daughter usually goes [to] live by her/himself. For have[By having] more money the older might for example travel more. {this sounds "tacked on" expand it a little and it would sound better}
Finally, I think that for[because] the elders have more experience, they know how [to] enjoy their lives better. [What] I meant is, they know what is good and bad. For example, many young people think that get[ting] drunk is a good way to have fun. The older people, for everything that they lived, they know that when we get drunk we may do a lot of stupid things. As a result, the elders do other things to have fun.
To sum up, I disagree with the statement of[that] young people enjoy more than older. The older people, in my opinion have more time to have fun, more money to spend and more knowledge about is funny or not.
TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social sciences class (2) |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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