Help in this essay! Plese, someone correct to me?

[Nayara]

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students, for different reasons. They work because either they need money to help their parents or to get experience. Some people think they have job and study at same time, it is not a good idea, because it can damage their grade. But, I think that this is a good idea. I believe that the money they earn is necessary to cover their expenses. In addition, the young people might learn some things in the practice before starting the University. In my opinion, the teens become more responsible as well.
In my country, Brazil, is very common teenagers work during the day and study at night. These young people generally need the money, because their families are very poor and can't afford all expenses. In this case, the student need work, otherwise they aren’t able to study. Thus, is a good idea work, because working the student will be able to study, and in the future they will have a better job.
Another reason is that they get experience sooner. The teens learn the things in practice before starting at University. This may help them get better jobs in the future. I have some friends that during the high school have worked. As they start the course at the University, they already had a good job.
Finally, in my view teenager have a job while they are students yet become them more responsible. I would like explain why. When the young work and study in the same time, they learn to manager their schedule to be able do all the things. As a result, they spend less time playing video game or on the internet.
To sum up, although some people think that the teenager students should just study, I believe that is a great idea work while they are in the school.

TOEFL listening lectures: What happened at the Potsdam Conference?

[Mochad]

Hi Nayara, first of all, you have a nice name :) Second, I am not a native English speaker nor an English teacher, so bare that in mind, I wont be able to figure out all your mistakes :D I am just trying to help ;)

[Nayara]

Thank you very much Mochad!

I really appreciate your tips! They are very good!

[Luschen]

I think Mochad has done an excellent job with his comments. I would reconsider the sentence he pointed out and revise it as:

Thus, it is a good idea to work; for only by working would the student be able to complete their studies, leading to a better job in the future.

[Nayara]

Do you think my score would be very bad?

[Luschen]

Well, you can ask Mochad about my skill at predicting TOEFL test results. ;) But based on these scoring standards: http://www.ets.org/Media/Tests/TOEFL/pdf/Writing_Rubrics.pdf I would rate your essay as a 3 out of 5. There were quite a few grammatical mistakes and you used a limited vocabulary. The essay had good structure, but was a little short and had a lot of repetition. I think all of the descriptions of a score of 3 apply to your essay.

[Nayara]

Thank you! I'm very worried about this test. I'm not very good in English.
I'm study by myself for Toefl. The help of your is really important to me.

[Luschen]

You are welcome, I hope we can help you in improving your English. Where are you from? Your user name sounds Indian to me.

[Nayara]

No! I'm from Brazil!
Are you American, right?

[Luschen]

Yes, I am an American. I do not know any Portuguese, unfortunately! I have an acquaintance who taught at an international school in Brazil and really loved it. He learned to surf and said the surfing was really good - except during Carnival - too crowded! I love to surf and would love to visit the beautiful Brazilian beaches.

[Nayara]

Although I live in Brazil, I don't know to surf.
Here, the beaches here are pretty much even.

[Luschen]

What do you mean by "even". Hearing that I would think they are smooth, but I do not think that is what you mean.

[Nayara]

I would like say the the beaches are indeed very beautiful.
I think that I use in a wrong manner. I used a portuguese structure.

[Mochad]

You are welcome Nayara :) that is one; two, do not say that you are not going to do well! Never think like that! I agree with Luschen that you may score 3 :D He is an excellent grader, I can guarantee that :):) As for you studying by yourself, that is not wrong at all! I did the same. I took the TOEFL 2 weeks ago and my results were acceptable, but I wont tell you how much I scored before you get your results :D:D

Keep on practicing, the 3 will become 4! I will try my best correcting your essays, and if I was busy, Mr. Luschen is always here :):)

[Nayara]

Mochad, I'm really happy with your and Luschen help.
You are very nice guys.
I think that my vocabulary is very limited to thank you enough.