| Help in this essay! Plese, someone correct to me? | TOEFL®: Living in a big city or in a small town? |
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 #1 (permalink) Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:23 am Hi everyone! Can someone correct my essay? I'm trying to the Toelf |
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The question at hand is whether it is better either enjoy the money as soon as I earn it or save money. In my view, the best option is save it. I would like explain why I think this way. Firstly, because I believe that keeping some money in the future will be able to buy better things Also, I think it's always good to have some money saved for times of emergency. Moreover, when we enjoy our money quickly, I usually spend in things that don't worth it.
I think that we shouldn't spend the money when we just have earned it. Because when we save up some money, in the future we can buy things more expensive. For example, I have choose no spend the money of my job buying clothes and shoes. So, some months later I could buy my laptop.
It's my belief that is necessary always some money saved for periods of emergency. For instance, to buy medicines in cases we cases we get sick suddenly. This happened in my family. My sister had to take antibiotics that were very expensive. My mother ever salves money to these situations. Therefore, we were able to buy the medicines.
Finally, I think that when we enjoy the money once we earn it, I use spend in things that don’t worth it. For example, when a woman earns the money and goes shopping immediately, they buy clothes on impulse. Generally, the woman didn’t need of the cloth or realize that it was not a good cloth.
To sum up, although some people think that is a good idea enjoy the money quickly, I believe that is better to salve it. In the future likely you will need it.
TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture in Biology |
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 Nayara
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Posts: 28
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| #2 (permalink) Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:16 am Hi everyone! Can someone correct my essay? I'm trying to the Toelf |
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| Is this an essay or a listening exercise? If it is an essay, could you post the essay prompt as well? |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:23 am Hi everyone! Can someone correct my essay? I'm trying to the Toelf |
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Excuse me! I forgot the prompt.
This is: Is it better to enjoy your money when you earn it, or is it better to save
T money for some time in the future? |
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Nayara
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Posts: 28
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| #4 (permalink) Sat Jan 28, 2012 18:20 pm Re: Hi everyone! Can someone correct my essay? I'm trying to the Toelf |
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| Nayara wrote: |
The question at hand is whether it is better either[to] enjoy the money as soon as I earn it or save money. In my view, the best option is save it. I would like explain why I think this way. {This is not a proper introduction. Try to find a few websites which explain proper essay structure. Here is one I like: http://www.bookrags.com/articles/4.html Start off with general statements and gradually focus down to your thesis statement which will include your argument as well as a brief summary of your reasons}
Firstly, because I believe that keeping some money in[for] the future will be able[allow one] to buy better things Also, I think it's always good to have some money saved for times of emergency. Moreover, when we enjoy our money quickly, I[we] usually spend in things that don't worth it[are not a good value]. {this paragraph has too many reasons - try to choose one main reason per paragraph and expand your explanation of that reason} {some of this should be condensed and added to your thesis statement in the introduction}
I think that we shouldn't spend the money when we just have earned it. Because when we save up some money, in the future we can buy things [which are] more expensive. For example, I have[had to] choose no[not to] spend the money of[earnings from] my job buying clothes and shoes. {no period} So, {no comma} some months later I could buy my laptop. {this information should have been combined with your first paragraph}
It's my belief that is necessary [to] always [have] some money saved for periods of emergency. For instance, to buy medicines in cases we cases we get sick suddenly. {this is not a complete sentence} This happened in my family. My sister had to take antibiotics that were very expensive. My mother ever salves money to[Fortunately, my mother had saved money for] these situations. Therefore, we were able to buy the medicines.
Finally, I think that when we enjoy the money once[immediately after] we earn it, I use[we tend to] spend in[it on] things that don’t[are not] worth it. For example, when a woman earns the money and goes shopping immediately, they[she may] buy clothes on impulse. Generally, the woman didn’t need of the cloth[es] or [didn't] realize that it was not a good cloth[value].
To sum up, although some people think that is a good idea [to] enjoy the money quickly, I believe that is better to salve{spelling} it. In the future [it is] likely you will need it.
TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture in Biology |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #5 (permalink) Sat Jan 28, 2012 19:16 pm Re: Hi everyone! Can someone correct my essay? I'm trying to the Toelf |
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Thanks!
The website is very good.
My introduction was not really very well written.
You are very helpful! |
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Nayara
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 27 Jan 2012
Posts: 28
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| Help in this essay! Plese, someone correct to me? | TOEFL®: Living in a big city or in a small town? |
