 #2 (permalink) Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:47 am Re: Hi! Can someone rate my essay? :D |
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Hi, pretty good writing. Try to combine all your reasons in your thesis statement, as I have shown. Also, be sure to begin each of your body paragraphs with a transition phrase. See my other corrections below.
| Nayara wrote: |
A university education should always include an internship or some type of work experience.
Some students complain that [they] graduate without enough experience. Thus, it's hard to[for] them [to] get good jobs. In my view, internships or some work experience should be obligated[obligatory]. Firstly, in an internship the students might apply what they learnt[learned] and gain experience. Also, is an opportunity to[for] them know[to meet] new people and improve their contacts. In addition, they can earn some money. {Internships or at least some work experience should be a requirement for a university degree as they let the students apply what they learn, help them improve their professional network, and allow them to earn some money.}
I believe that experience is a very important factor to get[in getting] good jobs. The manner of gain experience is implementing our theories and ideas.{The best way to gain experience is to implement theories and ideas learned in school} Furthermore, [by] doing this we can grasp the related material faster. For instance, the medicine [medical] students must attend some surgeries, since they aren’t able to run[perform] one if they just being[are just] aware of the theory.
I think that{use transitions} [Furthermore,] in a work experience you can [get to ] know important people of[in] your area who might help you to succeed in your career. For example, [consider] a student that[who] works as a trainee in a company during its[while getting his] degree. The own[er] of [the] enterprise observes his job and can[may] give him a job after the[his] graduation.
[Finally,] The work experience is an opportunity to earn some money also. Generally, while the students are undergraduate[s ] their parents help them with the expenses. Because [of] this, they are able to save some money. I have a personal experience about {"with" sounds better here} this. I worked in a laboratory and could save all my money, because my mother gave me money to[for] my expenses. With this money, I was able to make a trip. {try to say how this helped your education}
To sum up, it's my belief that have only[there are only] advantages [for] the universities [to] include internship[s ] and work experience. Some of them were presented in this essay, as earn[ing] some money, gain[ing] experience and mak[ing] contact[s ] with people of your area. The students that[who] did this kind of work during the[before their] graduation have an edge compared their colleagues.
TOEFL listening lectures: Who are not included as members of the Underground Railroad? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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