 #2 (permalink) Tue Jan 31, 2012 21:02 pm Re: Please rate my first essay! |
|
|
Hi, your writing is quite good and I like the fact that you used lots of personal examples. BUT ... Your essay structure wasn't really clear. Your introduction should end with a thesis statement which states what you think and the reasons why you think that. Then you give details for each reason in the body paragraphs. Pick one side or the other not both. You gave two paragraphs supporting one idea and one supporting the other. You have to stick to one side.
| Vuqar1.618 wrote: |
Please rate my first essay! I would appreciate that.
It is sometimes said that borrowing money from a friend can harm or damage the friendship.Do you agree or disagree?
Many people think that borrowing money from a friend can harm relationship ,[while] others who think it can not only improve relationship [or] even fortify that[it] . But believe me or not ,{this sounds a little too informal for this type of essay} borrowing money can damage relationship: you can loose your trustworthy , harm relationship.
I don’t think that it is a good idea borrowing the money from your friend.{Don't restate the thesis here, state your first reason} Sometimes there might be the moment that[when] you could need the money immediately. The first thing [that] comes to your mind is borrowing the money from your friend. You can ask your friend to lend the money for[to] you. But what if the friend also needs money and he doesn’t want to disappoint you.{?} In the end your friend also would need the money. Altogether, your friend will look at you from a different point of view that can harm your relationship. {this writing is ok, but too repetitive and you never say exactly why borrowing the money is bad - I think you are saying "your friend may resent you, since he needs the money as much as you do"}
From my point of view, borrowing the money from your friend can also disgrace you. Imagine that you already borrowed the money from your friend. You don’t have the opportunity to return that.{Then suppose that you are unable to pay your friend back.} So you would not want to be seem {what do you mean by seem?} to your friend . Your friend can also may want that you return the money but he could not offer[demand it] because he is your friend. Altogether, you can be disgraced from your friends. {In the end, you could be abandoned by your friends in disgrace.}
In conclusion, I would recommend that you shouldn’t acquire the money from your friend. You [It] might make a negative impact to[on] your friend[ship]. But sometimes borrowing the money from your friend can strengthen your relationship. Imagine that your friend is in a difficult situation and he asks you to help him by lending him money. You give him money for unknown period. Afterwards your friend recovers from a difficult situation and he appreciates you a lot. All in all, borrowing money from a friend can also strengthen your relationship.
TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Comparative Religion |
|
|
 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
|
