| check, please | I need 110+ in TOEFL® for MBA! Please correct my essay X( |
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 #1 (permalink) Tue Jan 31, 2012 16:32 pm Writing IELTS task 1! Please help me! |
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The line graph illustrates how many students from Indonesia, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore residing in Australia between 1982 and 2000. In general, the numbers of four countries of residence experienced upward trends in this period.
It is clear from the graph that there was an increasing trend in the quantity of Indonesian overseas students, which started at no student in 1982, but later rose dramatically and peaked at 26,000 student in 1998, then finished at just under 25,000 students.
As can be clearly seen from the graph, the figures for students from Hong Kong and Singapore began at 0, whereas 5,000 students was the number of Malaysian students in 1982. However, a significant growth was recorded in the quantities of Hong Kong and Singaporean students, while there was just a slight increase in the number of students from Malaysia. In 1998, all of these three countries had 16,000 students, then ended at just under 20,000 students in 2000.
TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the man taking this course? |
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Edward_Rolandohmygod
You can meet me at english-test.net
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| #2 (permalink) Wed Feb 01, 2012 14:55 pm Re: Writing IELTS task 1! Please help me! |
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| Edward_Rolandohmygod wrote: |
The line graph illustrates how many students from Indonesia, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore were residing in Australia between 1982 and 2000. In general, the number of visitor from all four countries experienced upward trends in this period.
It is clear from the graph that the number of visitors from Indonesian increased more than for the other three countries. Although it started at zero in 1982, it later rose dramatically and peaked at 26,000 student in 1998, then finished at just under 25,000 students.
Similarly, the figures for students from Hong Kong and Singapore began at 0, whereas the number of Malaysian students was 5,000 in 1982. However, a significant growth was recorded in the number of Hong Kong and Singaporean students, while there was just a slight increase in the number of students from Malaysia. In 1998, all of these three countries had 16,000 students, but they all ended at just under 20,000 in 2000.
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Some other points - always be careful of the subject i.e. what the graph is discussing.
Identify it and make sure this is what you refer to.
In this it is: 'visitor arrivals' or 'visitors from Hong Kong..etc residing in Australia'.
However you say this in your introduction:
the numbers of four countries of residence (it's confusing).
Also, you need to make it clearer why you may explain one category first or group particular things together.
Did you choose to write about Indonesia because it showed a larger increase than all the rest? That is a good
reason to highlight it like you have but you have not made it clear as you have just said it showed an 'increasing trend'.
But they all did, so that is nothing special. You need to say it was more than the others (as I have changed in your
answer).
This is important because you are then 'comparing' this with the other 3 (you need to compare the categories in a task 1
as it says in the prompt).
Overall its a good effort as you use make sure you put some complex sentences in which is important, and organization is generally ok. But some parts I changed as they were slightly unclear.
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IELTSbuddy
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| #3 (permalink) Thu Feb 02, 2012 9:16 am Writing IELTS task 1! Please help me! |
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Thank you very much for your help!
I think the word "visitors" is usually used for people who travel rather than oversea students. Can you explain that to me? |
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Edward_Rolandohmygod
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| #4 (permalink) Thu Feb 02, 2012 15:54 pm Writing IELTS task 1! Please help me! |
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This is an online definition of 'visitor' from the first site I looked at:
a person who pays a visit; caller, guest, tourist, etc.
Probably is unusual to call a student a 'visitor', but then again I guess they are. It's someone going somewhere who is not intending to stay (same as a visitor) which is true for most students.
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| check, please | I need 110+ in TOEFL® for MBA! Please correct my essay X( |
