 #2 (permalink) Wed Feb 01, 2012 17:16 pm Re: Plese, correct my essay! I'm trying to TOEFL!! Thank you!! |
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Hi Nayara. I think your writing is pretty good. I changed a few of your words to ones more appropriate. I question your structure also. I would go with Introduction - Paragraph 1 (advantages) Paragraph 2 (disadvantages) Paragraph 3 (my choice and conclusion). You added some additional disadvantages after stating your choice, which I would have added to the previous paragraph. Please see my comments below.
| Nayara wrote: |
Your government has announced that it wishes to build a military base near your community.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the military base?
Currently, my community is discussing about the announcement of [the] government build[ing] a military base here. Some people think that is a great idea, because it will improve of[the] safety of the local [area]{local is an adjective, not a noun - although in England it is slang for your neighborhood pub}. Another people disagree with that. According to them, the military base will make noise, what [which]will be very bother[some]. Personally, I oppose the idea. I feel that this base, in fact, will affect the calm {"calmness" or better, "serenity"} of the area.
The positive point of the buil[ding] of {or more succinctly you could say "point of building the military ..."} the military base is that the safety of the area will be enhanced. My community is a bit violent. Some neighbors were stolen[burglarized]{neighbors can't be stolen, only kidnapped. But I think you mean their property was stolen} I think that with militaries {militaries always means the militaries of two or more countries. So here it would be "the military"} in the area these thieves will be afraid. Therefore, the people in the community will be able to live more calm["securely" is a better word here], without fear of have their houses stolen.{it is unlikely a thief could steal a house unless they had a really big crane. Say "... houses stolen from" or better, "houses burglarized"}
On the other hand, this military base will have disadvantage[s ] as well. The neighborhood believe[s ] that during the training of the militaries[military], they will make a lot of noise.{comma} Because,{no comma} they will try shoots[practice shooting]. In addiction[addition,] the traffic of planes in the area will enhance[increase]. This noise will affect the people['s ] sleep, the schools and, mainly[most importantly], will be damag[ing] for the people who are in the hospital.
In my view, there is[are] more disadvantage[s ] than advantage[s ].{You could also say, "In my view, the new base would be more of a disadvantage than an advantage"} In overall, the calm in the community will less["lessen" or "decrease"] due the [to] noise. In addition, it will have[bring] more people in[to] the area. However, the community doesn't have resource[s for so] many people. What I mean is, we don't[will not] have enough market[s ], houses and schools if the population in the community grows very much.
To sum up, the community has to discussing more about the military base with the government. Some people support and others oppose [it]. The government has to take into account what the majority wish[es], since we live in a democracy.
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and a registration clerk during registration week |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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