| h' everybody ! what do you think about my integrated writing structure | Please, correct my essay! |
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 #1 (permalink) Wed Feb 01, 2012 20:03 pm Please correct my essay! |
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I am new in writing TOEFL topics so i know i am not well at all.
The topic is
Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of people. Which do you prefer?
As every person has its own personalities , some people prefer studying alone unlike others who prefer studying with a group of students. To me, I would prefer studying with a group of people. Because it would be more efficient , more competitive. In addition , it would positively affect to psychology.
I believe that studying with a group of students would be more efficient. For example, each student has its own points of view to the topic .So while tackling on a topic, each student would represent his own idea. As a result there would be more choices to choose . Now imagine a student working on a topic. He would make an idea which may be not very good. Altogether, studying with a group of people would be more efficient.
I am certain that studying with a group of students makes a competition between them. From my point of view ,students working together may study much harder than while learning alone. Because
Student can grade himself, I mean he may decide how he is at studying. But when a student studying alone he may think he does his best but actually he is not. All in all, student may look at himself like to a mirror while working with students.
There are also positive influences while working together. The fact that , students studying alone are more depressive than other ones. For example ,I am not confident in me while studying alone. So unfortunately I look pessimistic to my future. And am sure that it will strongly affect to my success.
In conclusion ,students working together are more successful in their life. But a there are
also some advantages of studying alone. For example , the place you are studying would be more silent so you would easily focus your mind on your lessons.
My problem is that I repeat to much at essays so can you help me how to avoid that.
Thanks!
TOEFL listening discussions: Which best describes the student's current activity? |
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 Vuqar1.618
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Posts: 45
Location: Azerbaijan
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| #2 (permalink) Fri Feb 03, 2012 16:27 pm Re: Please correct my essay! |
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Hi, I really like your essay structure and arguments. It is refreshing to see an essay that is so easy to read and understand. I also like the fact that you include many personal examples. I agree that parts of your essay sound a little repetitive. I think a main problem is that you have a fairly limited vocabulary. When you introduce or sum up your arguments you use the exact same words because you do not know the synonyms or ways to rephrase your sentences. For instance, you say "studying with others is more efficient". You could rephrase that as "working with your classmates helps you learn more effectively" or "having a study group makes learning faster". You are saying the same thing, but now it doesn't sound as repetitive. There is really no quick and easy way to increase your working vocabulary. You just have to read as much English as possible.
| Vuqar1.618 wrote: |
I am new in writing TOEFL topics so i know i am not well[good] {if you say "I am not well", it means you are sick} at all.
The topic is
Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of people. Which do you prefer?
As every person has its[his or her] own personalit[y] , some people prefer studying alone unlike others who prefer studying with a group of students. To me, I would prefer studying with a group of people.{no period} Because it would be more efficient , more competitive. In addition , [and] it would positively affect to psychology[give me a more positive outlook].
I believe that studying with a group of students would be more efficient. For example, each student has its[his or her]{you can also use "their" here, even though it only refers to one person} own points of view to[on] the topic .So while tackling on a topic, each student would represent his own idea. As a result there would be more choices to choose . Now imagine a student working [alone] on a topic. He would make["have" or "come up with" or "generate"] an idea which may be not very good. Altogether["Thus" or "Therefore"], studying with a group of people would be more efficient.
I am certain that studying with a group of students makes a["increases the" sounds better] competition between them. From my point of view ,students working together may study much harder than while learning alone. Because
Student can grade himself, I mean he may decide how he is at studying.{this sentence is unclear to me} But when a student [is] studying alone he may think he does his best but actually he is not. All in all, student may look at himself like to[as in] a mirror while working with [other] students.
There are also positive influences while working together. The fact [is] that ,{no comma} students studying alone are more depress[ed] than other ones[those working with others]. For example ,I am not confident in m[yself] while studying alone. So unfortunately I look pessimistic[ally] to my future. And am sure that it[this would] will strongly affect to my success.
In conclusion ,students working together are more successful in their li[ves]. But a there are
also some advantages of[to] studying alone. For example , the place you are studying would be more silent so you would easily focus your mind on your lessons. {I wouldn't bring in another argument in your conclusion, especially an argument that contradicts your thesis}
My problem is that I repeat to much at essays so can you help me how to avoid that.
Thanks!
TOEFL listening discussions: Which best describes the student's current activity? |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Fri Feb 03, 2012 18:39 pm Re: Please correct my essay! |
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| Luschen wrote: |
Hi, I really like your essay structure and arguments. It is refreshing to see an essay that is so easy to read and understand. I also like the fact that you include many personal examples. I agree that parts of your essay sound a little repetitive. I think a main problem is that you have a fairly limited vocabulary. When you introduce or sum up your arguments you use the exact same words because you do not know the synonyms or ways to rephrase your sentences. For instance, you say "studying with others is more efficient". You could rephrase that as "working with your classmates helps you learn more effectively" or "having a study group makes learning faster". You are saying the same thing, but now it doesn't sound as repetitive. There is really no quick and easy way to increase your working vocabulary. You just have to read as much English as possible.
| Vuqar1.618 wrote: |
I am new in writing TOEFL topics so i know i am not well[good] {if you say "I am not well", it means you are sick} at all.
The topic is
Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of people. Which do you prefer?
As every person has its[his or her] own personalit[y] , some people prefer studying alone unlike others who prefer studying with a group of students. To me, I would prefer studying with a group of people.{no period} Because it would be more efficient , more competitive. In addition , [and] it would positively affect to psychology[give me a more positive outlook].
I believe that studying with a group of students would be more efficient. For example, each student has its[his or her]{you can also use "their" here, even though it only refers to one person} own points of view to[on] the topic .So while tackling on a topic, each student would represent his own idea. As a result there would be more choices to choose . Now imagine a student working [alone] on a topic. He would make["have" or "come up with" or "generate"] an idea which may be not very good. Altogether["Thus" or "Therefore"], studying with a group of people would be more efficient.
I am certain that studying with a group of students makes a["increases the" sounds better] competition between them. From my point of view ,students working together may study much harder than while learning alone. Because
Student can grade himself, I mean he may decide how he is at studying.{this sentence is unclear to me} But when a student [is] studying alone he may think he does his best but actually he is not. All in all, student may look at himself like to[as in] a mirror while working with [other] students.
There are also positive influences while working together. The fact [is] that ,{no comma} students studying alone are more depress[ed] than other ones[those working with others]. For example ,I am not confident in m[yself] while studying alone. So unfortunately I look pessimistic[ally] to my future. And am sure that it[this would] will strongly affect to my success.
In conclusion ,students working together are more successful in their li[ves]. But a there are
also some advantages of[to] studying alone. For example , the place you are studying would be more silent so you would easily focus your mind on your lessons. {I wouldn't bring in another argument in your conclusion, especially an argument that contradicts your thesis}
My problem is that I repeat to much at essays so can you help me how to avoid that.
Thanks!
TOEFL listening discussions: Which best describes the student's current activity? |
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Thank you very much Luschen.You really helped me again.And thanks for your useful recommendations.Now i understood my problem.
I don't know how can compensate your labor. |
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Vuqar1.618
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Posts: 45
Location: Azerbaijan
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| h' everybody ! what do you think about my integrated writing structure | Please, correct my essay! |
