 #2 (permalink) Thu Feb 02, 2012 21:27 pm Re: can you please review my first essay of my life? |
|
|
Hi, I think your organization and structure is good. Your grammar is ok, but you need to try to improve your working vocabulary. I think your first reason is a little weak - explain how making friends in school can lead to future business contacts and expand your network among well-placed colleagues.
| Awp_Ua wrote: |
subject: Why do people study in college?
Essay:
From the rise of the civilizations; {comma} it has been the fact that education is crucial to not only [the] academic life[lives] of people but also [to] their whole life style{one word} and expections. People who care about their life always like to study wery{sp} well{"hard" is a better word here}.{I would not agree with this - doesn't everyone "care about their life"? but not all study hard} Their main purpose is definetely{sp} being [an] expert in all field[s ] of life. It[This] absolutely depends on their [past] education past such as high schools, colleges, and universities. In this essay i point out why people should study in collage by giving several reasons. {give the reasons in your thesis statement}
Firstly; the one of the goal[s ] is getting more friends in colleges. For instance; students who are in colleges is[are] always in touch with each other. It is usual that they take part in all social activities. It[This] is because they meet new friends who is the[are] similar to each other. They share everything which is about themselves with each other. That is; They socialize. {you don't really say why this is good or exclusive to college - surely kids can socialize by going to a disco or even joining a gang?}
[The] Second reason {try to come up with a more creative transition phrase} is that students want to gain more knowledge in college. For example; they are very keen that they want to[on] be[ing] a employee of a successful company. That is count[determined by] on what qualities or skills they possess. In the other words; if you want to have a great job in your future, you have to get more knowledge such as [learning] many foreign language[s ], and [completing] many of fundemantal{sp} lessons. You have to improve your information{"knowledge" would be better here} that you acquire.
Thirdly; students learn [how to organize their] time arranging in colleges. Before they enter collages as a student, their parents always help them to arrange time[their schedules]. However, they find themselves alone in colleges. They learn how to live without [their] parents. In addition;{comma} They learn how to arrange time such as when to sleep, when they[to] study, and when they have to wake up.
In conclusion; students have to improve and educate themselves in colleges. It is about not only learning new knowledge for [one's] academic career and work life but also getting new friends and learning how to arrange[organize] time. In my opinion; if students want to be successful and happy, they extremely study in[it is important that they go to] collage {sp}
note: i am fully open to your opinions and suggestions.
the number of words: 339
TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the adviser's office? |
|
|
 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
|
