I need 110+ in TOEFL® for MBA! Please correct my essay X(

[Satoshi0525]

Hi I'm Satoshi0525, a Japanese who's studying English.
I'd like you to correct my essay about the topic below, which is from the official guidebook for TOEFL.
I have to get 110+ in total for MBA in England. But since I'm rubbish at writing an essay, I need your help. Thanks in advance :)

Q.
People attend college or university for many reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

A.
I believe that people attend college or university mainly for career preparation. Nowadays, because of the prolonged recession, it is getting harder and harder for people to find a job. Moreover, companies tend to hire people who can do a good job any time. At the point, college or university students have thicker probability to get a job offer and success in a business field by their aquired skills, the spontaniousness and the connections with their friends. This fact makes people choose to go to college or university.
First of all, education at high school level is not sufficient to make students skilled enough to get a job offer. Companies expect the employees to be highly professional even though they are freshmen. In other words, the student's ability must be good enough to meet the demand of the company. College or university students acquire those skills through seminars and studies in a laboratory.
In addition, college or university students are more spontaneous than high school students. Compared with high school, college and university have fewer compulsory subject. Therefore, students may choose courses and fix their schedule by themselves. Company does not want to hire a person who is always waiting for being told to do something by someone, but necessitate the one who can deal with problems by himself/
herself.
Students would make friend with various and diverse people during the college or university life than in high school because the number of students in a college or a university is generally bigger than that of high school. And the connection with those friends are quite important in a business situation. For example, when in a fiscal trouble, my father consults with an accountant who is a friend of him. Friendship lasts forever.
It will be quite hard for high school students to find a job because they are still somewhat immature. On the other hand, college or university students are ready to be a businessman in terms of the skills, the independence and the connection. Since jobs play a major role in your life, people decide to go to college or university to get a good job offer.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and an employee in the student services center

[Luschen]

Hi, your writing is pretty good with only a few strange words thrown in there and a few grammatical errors. But I don't think you are correctly addressing the essay prompt. If you had a clear thesis statement at the end of your introduction it would help a lot. It seems your thesis is "going to college will help prepare you for a job" or "businesses should hire college graduates", neither of which is really the essay prompt. I think the essay prompt wants you to pick three reasons students go to college and develop those, one per paragraph. I may be wrong though - perhaps someone else will comment.

[Satoshi0525]

Hi, glad to see you again Luschen, and thank you for the comment.
Your advice is always clear and apt. I'll revise it after lunch :)

And also I'd love you to correct my new one here <http://j.mp/wMIFiC>
This time I had a time limit as real TOEFL does: 30 minutes for an essay. So the quality of contents might be worse.
But anyway, thank you very much and hope to see you soon!