Please help me correct my essay.... I plan to take TOEFLibt NExt week...

[Darylm]

Some people prefer to settle down and start a family in a rural area. Other people prefer the convenience of the big city. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Deciding where to commence a family could be hard because there are many factors to consider. Few of these could be personal or environmental. However, I prefer to live in rural region for simple reasons. These are for economic causes, for safer community and for better family connection.
It is undeniable that when it comes to basic necessities, county areas have low cost of living.
Unnecessary things like brand new car, new series of appliances, updated electronic gadgets and fancy clothing are not really important in the rural community. The money that could be saved for buying these things can be used in the future like for college fund. As we all know that most of the most prestige universities are in the city, so it might be very helpful to plan ahead of time if we want our children to be financially supported when they go to college.
Another advantage when initiating a family on rural area is that the family will be exposed to a more peaceful locality. A good attitude on relationship could be established such as trust and respect. These factors are crucial for social stability; that is to know our boundaries when dealing with people, to show empathy to our neighborhood and to be good example for the children to follow in the future. It could be hard to practice this in the city where majority of the people we meet are acquaintances.
Lastly, family bond relationship will be strengthened. Where I was raised, I created a strong family ties even to my farthest of kin. That is because there is always time to visit and check unto your neighbors and relatives, and to attend occasions or family affairs. These simple factors are often not observed when in the city because most of the time everybody is too busy.
In conclusion, it depends on how we adapt to our society. It could be the busiest street in the urban or the quietest far flung region of the country, however we must remember that the best indicator where to start a family should be based on the whole family interest and these were already discussed.
Thank you in advance...

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a bookstore sales clerk and a student

[Luschen]

Hi, i think you've done a good job. I know you were looking for synonyms for "start a family", but "commence a family" sounds very unnatural and "initiate a family" sounds even worse. Start a family, begin a family, start a new life, begin a new life are really the only terms that sound natural to me. I am not a teacher, but I am a native English speaker - maybe others have some better ideas.

[Darylm]

thank you very much for your corrections.
yes, when I was writing the essay its kinda awkward using those words but I want to explore my vocabulary..
again thanks...I hope I'll get 26+ mark on my exam...

[Darylm]

Luschen, you've been a great help for me an everyone in this forum.
Thank you very much.
If you could squeeze some time to read this, please.
I made this an hour ago, I so anxious about my toefl that I just keep writing essay. :)

“When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

There are too many theories on how to become productive, get what we want and to maintain the wealth that we currently have and few of these are due to luck and coincidence. I believe that people attained what they wanted because they put effort and time on it, they know how to appreciate little things or opportunity and they have faith on what they think will make them happy and successful.
Giving all what we can and allotting time is the basic ingredient to be prosperous. These factors are so basic that almost everyone who is wealthy today recognizes these fundamentals. Particularly, if we observe on biographies, interviews and lectures of wealthy individuals, most of them earned the price over period of time and years of trials. None of them will advise anyone who want to be successful to just wait for luck to come. It perfectly defines the saying, what you reap is what you sow.
Holding on what we have is very tough decision when everybody else are having more than what they have. For some reason we are programed to crave on something we actually do not need. However, if we could only be satisfied on little things that we have right now, then maybe we could lower the standard on how we understand success. We need to remember that we are achievers because we planned and earned it. Thus, every small thing should be valued no matter how scant it is and this is just another way to exemplify the meaning of success.
Finally, beliefs and actions are useful tools if we want to triumph. We cannot just keep on believing that someday we will reach our goal. One should also work hard, because this character makes a crucial impact on how we attain things. For example, in everyday situation, we contemplate on every scenario to picture the outcome. Sometimes it seems not possible but we still do it because we feel that it can be done. Therefore, we can never prove it is possible until we put action on it.
To conclude, all the wealth and prestige in the world are possible because so much sacrifices and principles are spent on it. This only shows that a fluke is not the kind of element we want to include in our daily plan.

[Luschen]

Hi, once again your writing is quite good. I didn't really understand your second reason though. I agree being satisfied with what you have is a good idea for happiness, but most successful people try so hard because they are not at all happy with the little they have and thus want more. (That is why I am not a big success ;) ) I guess you are trying to redefine what "success" is, but you did not really make that point and it contrasts with your other paragraphs.

[Darylm]

I great full for your help.. If I may post more essays until my exam date. I get less corrections now than, does that mean I am improving? hahaha!
Yes, you are right the 2nd paragraph is cloudy and tried to connect the topic to the question.
Thanks again,

[Luschen]

You're welcome. I am glad you are grateful. If there are less corrections it either means you are getting better or I am getting tired. ;)