I need 110+ in TOEFL® for MBA! Please correct my essay X(

[Satoshi0525]

Hi I'm Satoshi0525, a Japanese who's studying English.
I'd like you to correct my essay about the topic below, which is from my textbook.
I have to get 110+ in total for MBA in England. But since I'm rubbish at writing an essay, I need your help.
I always appreciate your help guys :D

Q.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

"When educational budgets are limited, priority should be given to raising teachers' salaries, rather than to improving classroom facilities."

A.
I disagree with this idea because the priority should always given to students. While technology are improving the quality of our life day by day, education system in school hardly changes because of its limited budget. From my experiences, I know technology gives us a better educational environment in many respects.
First, the Internet access enables us to do a distant communication which has a great potential to bring us new type of learning. One of the courses that I am taking in university is using this technology. In that class we discuss about international issues with students in a foreign country like Taiwan, Korea and the United States which is far from my country, Japan. International issues are no longer just on textbook, but now we can argue with real-time chatting system.
Second, the contents of class look far more attractive when on a big touch-display rather than on a blackboard. Teachers can move charts and add some videos or effects by touching the screen. This will help students pay more attention on the class and find to study is just fun.
The other day an IT company announce new style of textbook which teachers and students can mutually edit the contents. This kind of electrical textbooks may replace paper ons soon which is too heavy for small children to bring to school every day.
The style of education is still restricted to an old fashion. They keep using a square classroom, a blackboard and paper textbook. Technologies are changing the world, so why not education? There are still room for innovation.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and her coach

[Luschen]

Hi, I think this was a very good essay. My only real problem was with your introduction. It is better to start with general statements, then gradually focus down to your thesis statement which includes your viewpoint as well as a brief summary of your reason. But besides that, your grammar and vocabulary were good. And your conclusion was excellent.