please check my essay, the disadvantages of a factory near your community

[Awp_Ua]

subject
A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Essay

From the birth of the humanity; it has been the fact that people live and migrate together. They got used to be alltogether. They live in rural and urban areas which are appropriate for them. However, more important one is that neighbour factor plays great importance of the life. In this essay i illustrate that there are several shortcomings such as traffic jam, air pollution and excessive noise, and i show why a large factory should not be constructed near one’s community.

First of all; a factory or an industry area can cause bigger traffic problem which is also called traffic jam. For instance; people who are employee of the factory try to reach their working place every morning. This occurs more cars they use. Also; although the traffic demand of the road adversaly increases, the capacity of the road is still limited. So short distances take longer trip times.

Secondy; people have to face the possible air pollution because of the factory. For example; when the factory is built, it starts to manufacture goods and proporties. It is usual that the factory generates chemical and biological substances which are extremely hazardous. It releases these harmful substances into the atmosphere and environment. As a result; it causes harm to humans and the environment.

Thirdly; people have to deal with noise pollution. When the factory starts to generate, there will be a lot of high tracks, manufacturing machines and tools which we can hear. This causes excessive unwanted noise. It affect the every aspect of their behaviours. Then; they have to tackle with bad behaviour problems.

In conclusion; it is important that a factory should not be built near their environmental areas by giving several disadvantages including traffic jam, air pollution and excessive noise. I believe that the government should forbid to construct a factory near a community.

Note: i am fully open to your opinions and suggestions.
number or words:307

Thank You!!

TOEFL listening discussions: Why must the young woman leave?

[Luschen]

Hi, you have written the wrong type of essay for this topic. The prompt asks you to describe both the good and bad points of the factory coming to your town. The structure should be:

Introduction

Advantages of the factory

Disadvantages of the factory

My preference

Conclusion

I think this webpage does a good job of explaining the different essay types: http://www.urch.com/forums/twe/12765-toefl-essay-writing-tips.html

Also, your introduction is not really appropriate. You should start off with broad statements, but not that broad. Maybe a good opening paragraph might be "Factories are a necessary part of our modern society. There is often controversy about where a new factory should be located. A new factory can bring jobs and money to the community, but it can also add to the traffic and pollution. I think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages, so I would support a factory opening up in my town."

[Awp_Ua]

thank you for your answer
i write my essay again

i wonder if it is correct that the preference and conlucion paragraph are appropriate..

Subject: A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

Essay

It can be denied that factories have a great importance of poople’s lives. Nowadays, there is a common controversy about where factories should be constructed. In this essay i illustrate not only several shortcomings such as traffic jam, air pollution and excessive noise, but also a few advantages such as job opportunities and cheap access to products. I believe that the disadvantages outweigt the benefits, so i strongly oppose that factories are built near my community.

Starting with the advantages, First of all; a factory or an industry area can cause bigger traffic problem which is also called traffic jam. For instance; people who are employee of the factory try to reach their working place every morning. This occurs more cars they use. Although the traffic demand of the road adversaly increases, the capacity of the road is still limited. So short distances take longer trip times. Secondy; people have to face the possible air pollution because of the factory. For example; when the factory is built, it starts to manufacture goods and proporties. It is usual that the factory generates chemical and biological substances which are extremely hazardous. It releases these harmful substances into the atmosphere and environment. As a result; it causes harm to humans and the environment. Thirdly; people have to deal with noise pollution. When the factory starts to generate, there will be a lot of high tracks, manufacturing machines and robots which can be heard. This causes excessive unwanted noise. It affect the every aspect of their behaviours. Then; Bad behaviour problems are appeared.

On the other hand, the first disadvantage is that people who do not possess a job can find a chance to work. For instance; it can be sure that there are a lot of people who are unemployed in their community. If the factory is built near it, The factory need workers and engineers. there can be an opportunity that they can take. So they can earn money and this brings money to them. Secondy; it is easy and cheap to reach goods that the factory generates. People who are located near the factory can buy the goods easier and cheaper. The factory provides cheaper goods for them. This is really simple way to get the goods.

In my opinion, the disadvantages are more important than the advantages. If a factory is established, the healthies and lives of people who are locate near the factory can be damaged. Moreover; the government should forbid to construct a factory near a community.

In conclusion; it is certain that a factory should not be built near one’s community has both disadvantages and advantages. We have to consider both sides before we support or oppose.

[Luschen]

Hi, I think your structure was a lot better. You still have quite a few grammatical and vocabulary errors though. Hopefully my corrections below will be helpful.