 #2 (permalink) Sat Feb 04, 2012 16:23 pm Re: Why do you think people attend college or university? (please correct my essa |
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| Scientist_A wrote: |
Why do you think people attend college or university?
Nowadays, it is very popular to attend a university among the young. Most people tend to continue their education in a university. These people attempt to study in a university for several reasons. For example, some of them want to get a good education, while others tend to build a successful career in their future life. I will explain my viewpoint in the following paragraphs.
First of all, it must be emphasized that it is undeniable we can get a deeper education in a university. In our school years we learn about all subjects equally. It means that we learn the fundamentals of each of them. During these years we are interested in some specific subject and tend to learn more about these subjects. However, universities are the best places to gain a lot of knowledge. Thus, students tend to study in a university. For example when I was studying in high school I was interested in mathematics and I was good at this subject. I wanted to learn a great deal about math. Therefore, I chose mathematics as my major in the University. And now, in the university I acquire a wide knowledge in mathematics lectures.
Moreover, it must be highlighted that parents tend to encourage their children to attend a university because of their future career. Most people believe that universities give a good opportunity to students to learn good skills which are important for building a good career. That is why when students attend university. They believe that they will have a good career. Indeed, if these students appreciate their opportunities well, they will be able to build their own career. In university, students do not learn only the lectures about their majors, but also they encounter the realities of life. They confront with many problems and tend to solve these problems. By solving these problems they gain many skills which are important for future success.
In conclusion, I would like to repeat that people tend to study in a university because they want to get profound knowledge and to have a successful career. I believe that universities are very good places for these reasons. Students cannot find any other place to achieve these aims.
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The problem with your essay is you do not have enough 'substance' to it.
Your first body paragraph is ok, but it takes you a long time to explain your point. You could probably explain this point in half as many sentences. That will then give you space to have another supporting idea, giving your essay more substance.
In your second body paragraph you keep repeating yourself. You say about 4-5 times that it can lead to a good career.
These are things are fine as main ideas, but you need to explain and support them with examples, or add some more ideas.
Your grammar is ok, so I think you can write a good essay. You just need to work on your organization and content.
Always plan before you write - decide what will be your key points, and then how you will explain and illustrate them. That way you will have better organization and avoid repeating the same things.
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Scientist_A
