| Are parents best teachers? (please correct my essay) Thank you | please check my essay, thank you very much! |
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 #1 (permalink) Sat Feb 04, 2012 16:20 pm TOEFL essay |
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Hi again :) Could you evaluate this essay? Thanks!
Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number
of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community,
or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in
search of another place? Use reasons and specific examples to support
your opinion.
Nowadays our world has become smaller because of globalization and modern transport. Now it is very easy and common for people to migrate around the world in order to get a better paid job, nicer house, better community, or even to live in a more suitable climate. Nevertheless, there still many people opt for staying in one place for their entire lives. I suppose both moving to other places and staying in one place have some compelling benefits. However, I find one of these living styles more convenient for me.
The first point I would like to make is that there are strong advantages to staying in one place for your entire life. If you are living in one place, you possibly have more close friends, live less stressful life. In other words, it is likely that you have a rather ordinary and convenient life. This can be very important for some people. Moreover, living in your homeland automatically means that you are able to have close relationships with your parents, sibling and other relatives.
Though there are very compelling advantages to staying in one place, I find the benefits of moving in search for another place even stronger. People who aspire to find the most suitable place for them usually visit some foreign countries. Therefore, they broaden their minds, learn new languages, get acquainted with other people and cultures. Furthermore, traveling to other places for a better job provide you with a more sustained life, and this is also important. Last but not least, moving to other place which may be not very familiar to you can be strenuous; thus, you grow emotionally, get some valuable experience.
I assume both staying in one place and moving in search of another place have various advantages. However, I would prefer to move and search for the most suitable place for me because I think it could make my life more riveting.
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a professor and a departmental secretary |
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Zygis
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 01 Feb 2012
Posts: 17
Location: Lithuania
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| #2 (permalink) Sun Feb 05, 2012 4:56 am Re: TOEFL essay |
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Hi Zygis. I think your writing was very good, only a few grammatical errors. Unfortunately, I don't think you wrote the right kind of essay. You wrote a "compare and contrast" essay instead of a "defend a side" essay. : http://www.urch.com/forums/twe/12765-toefl-essay-writing-tips.html
If they want you to write a compare and contrast type essay they will say "compare these two views" or "what are the advantages of each and which do you prefer?" This prompt sounds like they expect you to pick one side or the other and defend that.
| Zygis wrote: |
Hi again :) Could you evaluate this essay? Thanks!
Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number
of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community,
or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in
search of another place? Use reasons and specific examples to support
your opinion.
Nowadays our world has become smaller because of globalization and modern transport[ation]. Now it is very easy and common for people to migrate around the world in order to get a better paid[paying] job, nicer house, better community, or even to live in a more suitable climate. Nevertheless, there still many people [still] opt for staying in one place for their entire lives. I suppose both moving to other places and staying in one place have some compelling benefits. However, I find one of these living styles more convenient for me.{state your choice and a summary of your reasons in the thesis}
The first point I would like to make is that there are strong advantages to staying in one place for your entire life. If you are living in one place, you possibly have more close friends,[and] live [a] less stressful life. In other words, it is likely that you have a rather ordinary and convenient life. This can be very important for some people. Moreover, living in your homeland automatically means that you are able to have close relationships with your parents, sibling[s ] and other relatives.
Though there are very compelling advantages to staying in one place, I find the benefits of moving in search for another place even stronger. People who aspire to find the most suitable place for them[selves] usually visit some foreign countries. Therefore, they broaden their minds, learn new languages [and] get acquainted with other people and cultures. Furthermore, traveling to other places for a better job provide[s ] you with a more sustained {what do you mean by "sustained"?} life, and this is also important. Last but not least, moving to [an]other place which may be not very familiar to you can be strenuous; thus, you grow emotionally, [and] get some valuable experience.
I assume both staying in one place and moving in search of another place [each] have various advantages. However, I would prefer to move and search for the most suitable place for me because I think it could make my life more riveting.
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a professor and a departmental secretary |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| #3 (permalink) Sun Feb 05, 2012 8:41 am TOEFL essay |
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Thank you, Luschen, I really appreciate your help! That site is very useful, thanks.
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| more sustained {what do you mean by "sustained"?} life |
I thought it was the right way to say something like - to be able to buy what you need, not caring about money. I guess it is not. |
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Zygis
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 01 Feb 2012
Posts: 17
Location: Lithuania
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| #4 (permalink) Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:01 am TOEFL essay |
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| I've read the article about essays. It's really helpful! |
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Zygis
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 01 Feb 2012
Posts: 17
Location: Lithuania
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| #5 (permalink) Sun Feb 05, 2012 15:05 pm TOEFL essay |
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| Zygis wrote: |
Thank you, Luschen, I really appreciate your help! That site is very useful, thanks.
| Quote: |
| more sustained {what do you mean by "sustained"?} life |
I thought it was the right way to say something like - to be able to buy what you need, not caring about money. I guess it is not. |
A sustained life would be an unusual way to say a long life.
You could say:
a prosperous life - make a lot of money
a comfortable life - have all the modern conveniences and a nice home
a fulfilled life - feel happy and useful |
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Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 2135
Location: Nashville TN, USA
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| Are parents best teachers? (please correct my essay) Thank you | please check my essay, thank you very much! |
