please review my essay ! thanks in advance .

[Mofan522]

The best way to improve quality of education is to increase the teachers’ salary .
do you agree or disagree?

Teacher is one of the most admirable job,in my mind. Unfortunately, since the economic crisis, we observe that the budget in education decrease significantly . As a result , a low salary can hardly incite teacher's motivation. moreover ,the most embarrassing phenomenon is that more and more teacher tend to find a second job to support the family life spending. Although the reality is crucial,I insist the necessity to increase the teacher's salary , because it is the best way to improve the educational quality.
In the first, a wealthy life can prevent teachers from adding more job activities outside school. the extra working time will increase teacher's tiredness and reduce their leisure. long time immersing in this situation, teacher's can hardly well prepared and organized for their main activities in school. For example,when one is tired and full with stress, he /she will be easier to lose the temper and can not be concentrated in delicate treatment. This unpleasant atmosphere will spread quickly in the campus and reflect in their daily work.
Furthermore, a high salary is the best instrument to motivate teachers. The method of the management of human resource prove that an adequate and fair pay can incite not only employee's motivation in daily work , but also they are trend to do more research relevant to their domain in order to improve their performance. For example: If the professor in university could be well paid , they will be motivated to lead students do more academic research. Students can learn from professor's academic altitude and benefit from those well prepared courses.
In conclusion , teachers need and deserve a high salary. This privilege is the best way to guarantee the quality of education and students will be the biggest winner of this high salary policy.

TOEFL listening discussions: What will the secretary do next?

[Luschen]

Hi Mofan. I don't think this was your strongest essay. The structure was good, as always, but your second paragraph had a lot of awkward phrases and a few sentences I could not really understand at all.

[Mofan522]

I totally agree with you. i stuff my second paragraph with a lot of abstract explication, and then phrases become so complex and complicate without logic that i can not handle it. Next time , i will integrate examples into my supporting paragraph to clarify my essay's structure. thanks a lot , Luschen. i will rewrite this essay .

[Mofan522]

I totally agree with you. i stuff my second paragraph with a lot of abstract explication, and then phrases become so complex and complicate without logic that i can not handle it. Next time , i will integrate examples into my supporting paragraph to clarify my essay's structure. thanks a lot , Luschen. i will rewrite this essay .

[Beeesneees]

Hi Mofan,

The pronoun 'I' should always be capitalised, regardless of its position within a sentence.
There should not be a space between the preceding word and a comma, full stop, etc. The space always comes after that punctuation.
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Cheers m' dears!

[Mofan522]

thanks Beeesneees !
I will mention it in my notebook .
I love your photo , it's mysterious ,cool !

[Luschen]

No spaces before exclamation points either! ;)

[Beeesneees]

Never mind mentioning it in your notebook. Put it into practice!
_________________
Cheers m' dears!