 #2 (permalink) Sun Feb 05, 2012 5:06 am Re: TOEFL ibt essay |
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Hi, another great essay. Hardly any mistakes, but I made a few suggestions anyway ;)
| Zygis wrote: |
Hi, here is my another essay. I have noticed some mistakes and marked them but it was only after time time elapsed : Could you evaluate this essay? Thank you!
People work because they need money to live. What are some other
reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use
specific examples and details to support your answer.
People spend much of their time working. Work is very important for our lives since we all need money to live a well sustained life. However there are some other reasons why people work which I find very compelling. {try to include in the thesis statement a summary of the reasons you will cover}
One reason why people work can be the craving to be around other people. For instance, if you work in an office, this usually means that you will have{"be able" would make it sound more like an opportunity than a task} to communicate with others on a daily basis. This can be an even bigger incentive to work if your colleagues are friendly and talkative since work then is becomes less exhausting.
Though the craving to be around others can be a big incentive to work, there are some more{"additional" would be a good word here} reasons why people work. Some people work because they think they can be beneficial for[to] others. Mother Teressa is a perfect example. She was helping the poors[poor] and gained virtually nothing from this. Some people go to poor regions in Africa in order to help others. They merely want to be beneficial.
Last but not least, some people just love their work. Especially those who have their own business. Though at first people extablish [establish] companies just to earn money, having a bussiness [business] later can turn into a hobby{"passion" would be a better word here}. Take a look at Steve Jobs. He just loved his work for “Apple”. He was still promoting its products though he had a serious disease and did not need any more money since he had billions of dollars. Therefore, having an interesting job can be another reason to work.
I assume{"assume" isn't quite right - maybe "think", "judge", "feel"} there are many more reasons why people work that [besides] the need for money. They may want to be around others, be beneficial, or they may just love what they do.
TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the young woman unfamiliar with Q22? |
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 Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)
Joined: 08 Apr 2011
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Location: Nashville TN, USA
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