please check my writing and score it-----

[Duet062010]

Topic : People who go outside of the city are more successful and happier than people who live in villages. Do you agree and disagree?
Now a days, going outside of the native place for searching good opportunities and high quality lives is seen as high ambition. Going outside of the native place has been shown as a unique way for broaden people’s horizons since historical time. How ever, no one is paying proper attention to either the pressure or the competition in outside of the native place where people go for searching good opportunity.
I think the chances for living outside of the native place for good opportunities bring individuals great pressure. The things mostly attracts the people, who want to go outside of the native place are high salary work and good living conditions, avoidable thinks are the effects they cause. It is widely known that the price of houses and also rent of houses in Dhaka, the capital of Bangladesh is out of control due to people’s rushing into the city. It’s common a long traffic jump and a breathless condition during the rushing hour in this city. It’s a dream to have a better life in Dhaka city for most of the people who leave their native place and come Dhaka city to find good opportunities but they find changed experience. Their dream never becomes true.
It is undoubted that the completion in outside of the native place where people go for searching good living condition and good opportunities is fiercer than that in native place. It goes without saying that more chinches more challenges. It’s heard for me to believe how people feel happy with heavy workloads ad large mortgages. I am living in Dhaka city for several years as a student; I am strongly shocked by the difficulties of surviving in the city. The elites are everywhere and you can never relax because it ma cause you fired by your boss. You can always find people complaining about how much work they need to do and how short the vacations they have.
Obviously all the evidence confirms a conclusion that the best choice is to enjoy happiness and success in your own hometowns. Therefore, my advice is getting far away from the dangerous cities and leaving the worship of money. The truth is : Simple is the best.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation in a campus cafeteria
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[Luschen]

Hi, I liked your structure and your conclusion was very good. I had trouble following some of your essay though because of your grammatical and vocabulary mistakes. The constant repetition of "native place" was distracting as this does not sound natural. Based on these scoring guidelines http://www.ets.org/Media/Tests/TOEFL/pdf/Writing_Rubrics.pdf I would rate your essay as a 3 out of 5.