Please check my essay and score it: What discovery is important to people?

[Annievu94]

Topic: What discovery is important to people?

Every day, thousands of new discoveries come into existence, contributing enormously to the life of mankind. Among them, the Internet is one of the most crucial ones, which is undeniably beneficial. My writing will critically present the main advantages of it.
First of all, knowledge enrichment is what I put in my priority. It is obvious that the Internet creates chances for people acquire a huge amount of information. They are able to obtain many kinds of information such as education materials and news from many sources just by going to any searching website including Google. It is not exaggerated to say that a computer with Internet access is worth more than hundreds of libraries since almost all kinds of books are published, scanned or retyped on the Internet. Therefore, people are bound to broaden their knowledge vastly. More importantly, the Internet also brings people the opportunity to exchange their understanding and perspectives. Every one is bound to share his opinions to the world easily by posting it on a personal website or blog. There is likelihood for readers to get the new view from the poster and for the poster to review his concepts from their contributive comments. It leads to deeper apprehensions of things. With no doubt, the Internet absolutely elevates the cognition of human.
Second of all, society attachment ranks an equal place in the essence. It is apparent that the Internet encourages the maintenance of communication of people immensely. Members of family and friends who are away from each other stand a golden chance to keep in touch regularly. It is possible for them to chat, email, and update others’ information daily through many social networking sites consisting Facebook, Twitter, and more. Hence, their relationships have a tendency to be remarkably improved. More notably, not only maintain the existing ties of people, the Internet also gives rise to the new connection. A person from a specific country has the ability to make friends with people from all over the world when entering any online forum or chat room. It promotes the cultural exchange progress as well as reduces the loneliness of people. As a result, the world certainly becomes more united. Without any doubt, people are getting closer to others with the help of Internet.
Last but not least, economic boost holds no less importance. It is well noted that the Internet conspicuously supports the economy in various ways. Online trading is convenient and favored by both entrepreneurs and customers. Digital marketing is more efficient and attracting more attention than traditional methods. International business contracts are achieved more easily when the needed information is officially posted on the companies’ website. Beyond any doubt, many enterprises from over the world are flourishing thanks to the Internet.
In conclusion, knowledge enrichment, society attachment and economic boost are the convincing reasons for the Internet. I highly recommend that people should carefully take my writing into great consideration to make an appropriate decision on taking advantages of it.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (1)

[Luschen]

Hi Annie, I enjoyed reading your essay. Your structure is good, but some of your sentences are hard to understand or sound quite awkward.