Please check my essay! Thank you

[My.nccdy]

With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people
believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery)
should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on
academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, most people, especially young people have intention to succeed academically, so they believe that non-academic subjects, like physical education and cookery, should be removed from their timetable in order to have time to study important and academic subjects. I partly disagree with the statement because of the following reasons.
First of all, if students spend all their time on studying at table or keep their eyes in the computer, it will cause bad effects to their health. Moreover, doing exercises will help people to keep fit, keep healthy and reduce stress while studying and working. If students are strong, they will have enough energy to deal with any challenges to achieve their ambitions. In addition to that, studying non-academic subjects might provide people with necessary skills and wider knowledge about life. For example, if you want to be a lawyer, you cannot just sit at one place and study law, read law books…, first you have to have good strength to be able to keep on your dream, physical education will make you stronger and cookery will help you to make a suitable diet for yourself.
On the contrary, non-academic subjects are time-consuming and take a lot of energy. For instance, if a student needs to focus on an important subject but he has to attend to physical education class which take a lot of time and energy, he will not have enough strength or time to continue his study
Generally, non-academic subjects are not only good for health but also provide young people interesting information about life. In my opinion, those subjects should be changed to optional subjects not officially in order to make a great condition for students to balance activities and studying.

TOEFL listening discussions: How long has the young man been drinking alcohol?

[Aygun29]

Nowadays, most people, especially young people have intention to succeed academically, so they believe that non-academic subjects, like physical education and cookery, should be removed from their timetable in order to have time to study important and academic subjects. I partly disagree with the statement because of the following reasons.

First of all, if students spend all their time on studying at table or keep their eyes in the computer, it will cause bad effects to their health. Moreover, doing exercises will help people to keep fit, keep healthy and reduce stress while studying and working. If students are strong, they will have enough energy to deal with any challenges to achieve their ambitions. In addition to that, studying non-academic subjects might provide people with necessary skills and wider knowledge about life. For example, if you want to be a lawyer, you cannot just sit at one place and study law, read law books…, first(OF ALL) you have to have good strength to be able to keep on your dream(YOU HAVE TO BE POWERFULL IN ORDER TO FULLFİLL YOUR DREAMS), physical education will make you stronger (WİLL HELP YOU BECOME MORE STRONGER)and cookery will help you to make a suitable diet for yourself.

On the contrary, non-academic subjects are time-consuming and take a lot of energy. For instance, if a student needs to focus on an important subject but he has to attend to physical education class which take a lot of time and energy, he will not have enough strength or time to continue his study
Generally, non-academic subjects are not only good for health but also provide young people interesting information about life. In my opinion, those subjects should be changed to optional subjects not officially in order to make a great condition for students to balance activities and studying.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE , I ENCLOSED MY OPİNİONS IN PARANTHESİS

[Luschen]

Hi, I agree it is a great essay. Here is my go at making some suggestions.